Starving Buddha

Just a warning... sensitive amongst you might be upset with this entry, but please don't criticize. It's all part of my journey and this is my story.

You meditate for hours and hours and your thoughts are a confused mess and nothing comes to you. And then suddenly there is that moment of clarity that you have been looking for.

It came to me in meditation last night that what I'm doing is probably a very advanced sort of body control. I've been doing it for years and years in many different ways, adopting healthy eating habits, dropping snacking, sweets, extra fat, as well has fixing posture, building muscle, strength and aerobic fitness. Learning to sit still, breath. It's all a big discipline exercise and this is my victory of mind over body. I shan't deny it, it makes me proud that I'm able to do it.

I was talking about it with Padma last night and we drew parallels to many yogis in India who do very extreme things to their bodies to celebrate their devotion. What I'm doing is not that different from a yogi painting his body blue and raising his hand above his head keeping there for five years in show of his dedication to the cosmic unity. Then Padma talked about Buddha and how he, in search for spiritual enlightenment, starved himself eating only a grain of rice a day until he was nothing but skin and bones (there are some rare and very interesting statues of him in this state in the Far East). But he stopped and came to the conclusion that middle way was the right way, and that starvation and spiritual progress were not compatible. When I asked what was it that Buddha realized when he decided to stop - Padma said something that I think will be the corner stone to my recovery.

"What was it that made him stop? He was probably asking himself what was the purpose of his action and was it achieving what he wanted."

Question, of course, isn't what Buddha realized. He was Siddhārtha Gautama, the man who later reached enlightenment and became the Buddha, something I'm not and I'm not even seeking. His dilemma was his alone, and his reasons applied to him. My question is "What is my purpose with this and is it achieving what I need?". Yes, purpose! What is my purpose here? My lifestyle and eating habits that have brought me to this place I am today because... I want to be healthy and happy?

I think this is going to be very important.