One with the confession

People keep asking how I'm doing and I keep telling them I'm good. Shifting my gaze, shuffling my feet. Really, I'm ok.

I hesitate to write about this because it's going to freak people out. I don't want to make people worry... but maybe it's like alcoholism, and to really believe that I have a problem I need to say it out loud. So I apologize in advance for everyone who's going to be upset by this.

But I have to admit to myself that I'm suffering from some level of an eating disorder right now. Eating, while it's better than it was few months ago, isn't really good - I was despairing over it yesterday and it was only when Dragon asked me, and I had to answer what exactly I had eaten that day when I realized that no matter how much I feel like I'm eating a lot I'm actually not. This was my list for yesterday:

grande chai tea latte
handful of vegetables
few pistachio nuts
two strawberries
grilled cheese sandwich
whole grain croissant
half a slice of vegetarian pizza

I'm NOT ok.

I was looking at some photos from last summer with Chu on Sunday, and when I saw this photo my first spontaneous thought was: "I look fat" (those jeans by the way don't stay up anymore if I put them on). Fat? Really? My face is rounder, and so are my arms, but fat? And yet I can't deny it, that's how it seemed to me. While I don't think I'm fat right now, I do seem to be afraid of gaining weight even that few kilos to get that roundness back.

I don't understand how this has happened. Please don't be angry at me, I can't bear it. Please don't try to "talk sense" into me, external pressure is what has made me the way I am, and "tough love" is likely to make me become even more withdrawn about it.

You see, it's not something anyone can help me with. Support is good, wanted, needed... But this is something to do with an external image I have of myself, and how I think others perceive me. It's not an internal wish to be unhealthy or self-destructive, it doesn't reflect who I am. I'm being very disrespectful towards myself though, not taking care of myself, and possibly even harming myself. Something's got to be done and I need to do it, no one else can.

So here are my decisions. I'm coming out of my vegetarian diet. It really pains me because I liked it, and I liked the idea of it, but at the moment I can't get picky - I get more calories and protein from meat and it's probably better that the little bit I do eat gives me more. I also know I've been using it as an excuse not to eat, because the available food hasn't "fitted my diet". I want to go back to it later on when I'm healthier, but for now I think this is for the best. I shall start keeping a food diary. You know, write down everything I eat to keep it more in my mind - like reverse-dieting. Then I can't also lie to myself thinking that I've eaten properly, like I did yesterday. I need a daily meditation practice. There's something strange behind this sudden wish to be ultra-thin and the fear of getting fat, and I need to understand where it comes from so I can work on it.

I kind of feel better not hiding it. Please support me, I'll try to keep you up to date.