Much work

Weekend was good. Not eating-wise, but resting-wise, and that's good too. Maybe part of this is just exhaustion.

Today eating has been good, but I'm dominated by thoughts about gaining weight. I can't go to the scale at all because I know that if I've gained weight I'll feel bad about it. I talk to people and everyone keeps saying that I've got a really good handle of the problem, I've analyzed it well.

It's true, I know the mechanics intellectually and I can look at my thoughts very rationally. I look at my belly after I've eaten and it looks huge to me, yet I know it's not true. I know I'm at an unhealthy weight but yet I like how I look. I know that when I feel weak and lifeless eating will help, yet I can't bring myself to do it.

Much work ahead.