Change? Probably not

I've been on the quiet side - my mom is here now so my biggest reason for updating has disappeared for a week.

It's lovely to have her here... I've missed her, and I've been able to say things I've had on my chest since June last year. And didn't really even know they were bothering me this much until I've suddenly started crying and just letting it all out. Countless number of pots of tea have been consumed and we've talked about philosophy a lot, especially about Patanjali's yoga sutras and how this ancient map of the mind is still as relevant as ever. I'll take her to see Padma tomorrow.

Eating? Well, a little. I weighed myself on Sunday - trying to do this once a week at the same time - and the scale shows 46 kg. I'm not reading too much into that, one way or another, these kind of small fluctuations are perfectly possible. After last week's inspiration from the Buddha I've been mulling it over... there are some really interesting things coming from it. I'm still being very humbled about my support network, surprising how sensitive some people are and how they make things easy for me. For example on Friday I was too lazy to go and have lunch, and Don invited me to share his - so I took a fork and started eating from his plate, and we talked about something else than eating and watched old Amy Grant videos together. And that's really perfect - I've been trying to take the stress out of eating as much as possible, to make all the eating experiences as pleasant as possible.

Still getting little nudges from my friends from different circles. Some are a little bit late, like my friend Laura who hadn't read her email in two weeks - but she called and we had a very interesting talk about things only sixes talk about. And since she's actually probably the friend that I see most regularly in Vancouver, she sees things my friends on the other side of the Atlantic don't, and her eye is keener than most people's... some things she sees are uncomfortable, but a lot of thoughts this issue has brought up to the surface are. I think I need to talk to her more.

Starving Buddha

Just a warning... sensitive amongst you might be upset with this entry, but please don't criticize. It's all part of my journey and this is my story.

You meditate for hours and hours and your thoughts are a confused mess and nothing comes to you. And then suddenly there is that moment of clarity that you have been looking for.

It came to me in meditation last night that what I'm doing is probably a very advanced sort of body control. I've been doing it for years and years in many different ways, adopting healthy eating habits, dropping snacking, sweets, extra fat, as well has fixing posture, building muscle, strength and aerobic fitness. Learning to sit still, breath. It's all a big discipline exercise and this is my victory of mind over body. I shan't deny it, it makes me proud that I'm able to do it.

I was talking about it with Padma last night and we drew parallels to many yogis in India who do very extreme things to their bodies to celebrate their devotion. What I'm doing is not that different from a yogi painting his body blue and raising his hand above his head keeping there for five years in show of his dedication to the cosmic unity. Then Padma talked about Buddha and how he, in search for spiritual enlightenment, starved himself eating only a grain of rice a day until he was nothing but skin and bones (there are some rare and very interesting statues of him in this state in the Far East). But he stopped and came to the conclusion that middle way was the right way, and that starvation and spiritual progress were not compatible. When I asked what was it that Buddha realized when he decided to stop - Padma said something that I think will be the corner stone to my recovery.

"What was it that made him stop? He was probably asking himself what was the purpose of his action and was it achieving what he wanted."

Question, of course, isn't what Buddha realized. He was Siddhārtha Gautama, the man who later reached enlightenment and became the Buddha, something I'm not and I'm not even seeking. His dilemma was his alone, and his reasons applied to him. My question is "What is my purpose with this and is it achieving what I need?". Yes, purpose! What is my purpose here? My lifestyle and eating habits that have brought me to this place I am today because... I want to be healthy and happy?

I think this is going to be very important.

Much work

Weekend was good. Not eating-wise, but resting-wise, and that's good too. Maybe part of this is just exhaustion.

Today eating has been good, but I'm dominated by thoughts about gaining weight. I can't go to the scale at all because I know that if I've gained weight I'll feel bad about it. I talk to people and everyone keeps saying that I've got a really good handle of the problem, I've analyzed it well.

It's true, I know the mechanics intellectually and I can look at my thoughts very rationally. I look at my belly after I've eaten and it looks huge to me, yet I know it's not true. I know I'm at an unhealthy weight but yet I like how I look. I know that when I feel weak and lifeless eating will help, yet I can't bring myself to do it.

Much work ahead.

Reality check

I don't believe in scales - I've always said that mirror and how you feel is more important than what some number gives you. My mom suggested that I should get a scale and weigh myself anyway, because that would give me an accurate idea of where I am and how my progress is going. Seemed like a pretty good piece of advice (mothers, you know), so I asked Dragon to buy me a scale next time he went out.

I've been saying to people that I weight now what I did when I was 18 - that this is not an unhealthy weight for me, just on the lower end of it. My guess was that I would weigh 49 kg, my standard weight at the time. And today I stepped on the scale.

45 kg.

Making my BMI 17.5, and on the scale where 18.5-24.9 is normal that makes me officially underweight. I find that shocking, and I didn't expect that at all... probably even more of an indication that my body image really is distorted.

My mom is taking the mother's prerogative and flying here next Saturday.

Trying

I've been telling Chu for months that I could start eating any time I wanted, but I just couldn't be bothered. Sound like words from an addict? But to my amazement yesterday I found that I actually couldn't, and I've been trying. The constant nausea and repulsion towards food are pretty overwhelming...

Then, amidst all the confusion, I taught a yin class last night which was like sanctuary... feeling good, light, calm. I had two regulars, and one of them brought a friend, what a lovely combination. By the time class finished after nine it was still light outside.

Dragon and the Sun

I normally get annoyed with alternative energy projects, mainly because most of them have negative EROI (Energy returned On Energy Invested) meaning they actually INCREASE our addiction to fossil fuels. Basically, most "green alternative" power plants take so much oil and natural gas to build that in order to pollute the planet less and conserve more of the precious fossil fuels it would have been better to never to build them.

However, Spain has actually done something truly praiseworthy and build a genuine, Energy-positive power plant:

"It is Europe's first commercially operating power station using the Sun's energy this way and at the moment its operator, Solucar, proudly claims that it generates 11 Megawatts (MW) of electricity without emitting a single puff of greenhouse gas. This current figure is enough to power up to 6,000 homes.

But ultimately, the entire plant should generate as much power as is used by the 600,000 people of Seville."

This still will not be the solution to end our energy woes, as the silver required to build the mirrors is far too rare, but it is a promising first step.

Check the full article here.

I so wanted

Somehow it was easier making the confession to all you guys, who live half-way across the world. Practically none of my friends here read this blog (mainly because we don't actually advertise it), but I have been getting comments about my appearance from all of them and having to dodge the subject has been getting difficult... So I decided to send my confession to them too - wrote it, then hovered over the "Send" button for 24 hours.

This morning I actually had gathered enough courage to send the email, and to my amazement I found total of 18 people that are so close to me I wanted to let them know. I feel so incredibly blessed to have so many important people around me, and the responses from them have been overwhelming, I've been holding back tears again. For them, and everyone else who has contacted me directly or though the blog, even if I don't (immediately) answer you, I do read everything you say and cherish your words and presence.

I went to Padma's meditation class last night, and didn't get the normal comfort I get out of it, until the final meditation - just when I was getting into my own space the class was over... must have been the first time ever I wanted another half an hour of meditation. Surrendering, letting go.

(I'm not going to give you my eating list for yesterday as I'm ashamed of it)

From the brink

Yesterday was definitely a break down point. I was so emotionally drained after my confession that all little shows of support from friends far away brought me to the brink of tears... so I left work and went home. But I had made a decision, and I cooked myself a healthy nutritious lunch.

It took me about four hours to eat that, but I made it in the end. And not having eaten meat in 5 months resulted in a terrible stomach ache and I slept most of the day. Yesterday's eating list was like this:

bowl of oatmeal for breakfast
chicken stir fry for lunch
handful of raspberries in the evening

It's not great, but at least everything on the list is healthy. This morning I was hoping that the worst would be over, but I'm still feeling completely stuffed and sight and smell of food disgusts me. After some prompting from Don I made myself a cup of mint tea and slowly it has kick-started my day. I still feel like crying, but I'm at work and hopefully today is a start of a slow move towards the better.

And I so much want to give everyone good news, and better the next, but I have to be realistic and accept that this isn't going to be fast.

One with the confession

People keep asking how I'm doing and I keep telling them I'm good. Shifting my gaze, shuffling my feet. Really, I'm ok.

I hesitate to write about this because it's going to freak people out. I don't want to make people worry... but maybe it's like alcoholism, and to really believe that I have a problem I need to say it out loud. So I apologize in advance for everyone who's going to be upset by this.

But I have to admit to myself that I'm suffering from some level of an eating disorder right now. Eating, while it's better than it was few months ago, isn't really good - I was despairing over it yesterday and it was only when Dragon asked me, and I had to answer what exactly I had eaten that day when I realized that no matter how much I feel like I'm eating a lot I'm actually not. This was my list for yesterday:

grande chai tea latte
handful of vegetables
few pistachio nuts
two strawberries
grilled cheese sandwich
whole grain croissant
half a slice of vegetarian pizza

I'm NOT ok.

I was looking at some photos from last summer with Chu on Sunday, and when I saw this photo my first spontaneous thought was: "I look fat" (those jeans by the way don't stay up anymore if I put them on). Fat? Really? My face is rounder, and so are my arms, but fat? And yet I can't deny it, that's how it seemed to me. While I don't think I'm fat right now, I do seem to be afraid of gaining weight even that few kilos to get that roundness back.

I don't understand how this has happened. Please don't be angry at me, I can't bear it. Please don't try to "talk sense" into me, external pressure is what has made me the way I am, and "tough love" is likely to make me become even more withdrawn about it.

You see, it's not something anyone can help me with. Support is good, wanted, needed... But this is something to do with an external image I have of myself, and how I think others perceive me. It's not an internal wish to be unhealthy or self-destructive, it doesn't reflect who I am. I'm being very disrespectful towards myself though, not taking care of myself, and possibly even harming myself. Something's got to be done and I need to do it, no one else can.

So here are my decisions. I'm coming out of my vegetarian diet. It really pains me because I liked it, and I liked the idea of it, but at the moment I can't get picky - I get more calories and protein from meat and it's probably better that the little bit I do eat gives me more. I also know I've been using it as an excuse not to eat, because the available food hasn't "fitted my diet". I want to go back to it later on when I'm healthier, but for now I think this is for the best. I shall start keeping a food diary. You know, write down everything I eat to keep it more in my mind - like reverse-dieting. Then I can't also lie to myself thinking that I've eaten properly, like I did yesterday. I need a daily meditation practice. There's something strange behind this sudden wish to be ultra-thin and the fear of getting fat, and I need to understand where it comes from so I can work on it.

I kind of feel better not hiding it. Please support me, I'll try to keep you up to date.

May Day

Despite my protests, May Day is not a public holiday is Canada, so I went to work yesterday. And after work it was time for my Sanskrit class, and I was going to catch 20 from Broadway - only there was no traffic and a May Day Parade just about to start in the middle of Broadway and Commercial crossing (for non-Vancouverites, this is a very busy intersection). And the parade was going to go down to Commercial, exactly where my bus route goes.

Oh well, it's only 10-15 blocks down to Grant, and walking in the warm spring air wasn't exactly a problem. But I was all prepared for meditation and spirituality - and the seething anger that came out of those people left me a bit stunned. Maybe I'm being overly nostalgic about the past, but I always thought May Day parade was supposed to be more about celebration of workers than spouting mindless hate and propaganda.

So I walked to my class (which was actually probably faster than having to wait for a bus for 15 minutes anyway), and we sat down to begin the class with meditation... and then the parade caught up with us and the air was filled with music and chanting while we were trying to concentrate on breathing. Great exercise, of course - and the way Padma handles these kind of things is just lovely, she used the opportunity to talk about how the meditative state is really about a pure watching state where one observes everything that comes, and in this case it was pretty much impossible to avoid observing the parade. Then we got down to business and went through the Sanskrit alphabet and as a Finn, who has trouble with some of the English sounds, Sanskrit is pure nightmare with it's 30+ consonants: guttural, palatal, dental and labial, plus the nasal, aspirated and non-aspirated variations... But at least Finnish is luckily a very good basis for the 10+ vowels that contain short, long and diphthong vowels that are more difficult for English speakers.

And during the ending meditation, Vancouver made a goal. These things challenge us...