Life is like a boat

Huh, the week has gone past in a kind of a haze.

Jet-lag, yes, recovering from cold, yes... Also I've been suffering from some pretty heavy anxiety which has caused my eating problem to escalate, mainly meaning that I don't. Which causes weakness and dizziness and nausea which means I want to eat even less - it's a very difficult cycle to break.

I used to suffer from this quite a lot when I was younger, and the problem appeared again end of last year... it just happened that it was suddenly easiest not to eat anything. My mother-in-law told me when she saw me that I had lost weight - I ignored her because she always says that, and my weight has stayed the same for the past nine years... But this time she was actually right. I stepped on the scales at Blocks (because it was there) and found that I had lost few kilos, but didn't think about it more than that. On Monday I went to yoga where I met Trevor who I haven't seen for months, and his first words were "My god what happened, you look like a stick!" - and I guess that's when I really started thinking about it. I mentioned it to Nicole and Karen who both said the same thing, that you can see by looking at me that I've lost weight.

I feel different. I feel... thin and bony. I feel weak. And I feel fat, which I know is not true and I recognize is unhealthy. But eating is so difficult, I hate feeling of being full, I've always hated it. On Wednesday evening I felt so awful I broke down and started crying, begging Dragon to help me - he's always given me a total freedom when it comes to eating which has always been appreciated, but now I need someone to make me eat, otherwise I won't. Starting this week I've also changed my diet, just to see if I can make myself feel better in my body again - I'm going vegetarian for a month and see if that helps.

It's something I've been thinking about for a while and I really want to try it and see if it makes a difference in my life, both physically and spiritually. But it's quite drastic how my outlook on food has been changed because of it - the possible lunch menu suddenly shrinks into a miniscule part of what it used to be. At our sandwich and soup place there is now two possible sandwiches I can take ("vegetarian" and egg), and depending on the day there might not be a vegetarian soup available. Our sushi place place serves some vegetarian sushi too, so that won't be a huge problem. I can get falafel from our falafel place. Our wrap place offers tofu as source of protein for all of their wraps. Most of all I think it's about commitment - the will to change and the will to demand something else.

Slowly, slowly.

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