That eating thing

What's stopping me? I get stuck again
Is it really OK? It's never OK for me
What's got into me? I get lost again
Is it really OK? It's never going to be

I wanna go to a place... - Rie fu

Those few lines from Rie fu's latest album pretty much sum up my thought pattern. I try not to get stuck in these negative grooves but sometimes I can't help it. Like with the eating thing... several people have talked to me about it and I'm sorry I didn't get back to you all. I'm amazed about the sensitivity everyone have shown to me, I was expecting more "get over it" type of comments that are of absolutely no use.

Slowly it got better. I'm still not eating as much as I probably should be, but I'm not weak with hunger all the time. I get easily distracted into doing something else, be it writing, sewing or reading, and before I notice I haven't eaten anything for eight hours... but it doesn't matter because hunger doesn't feel bad, and I know I should be eating but I just can't be bothered. My energy consumption has gone down too because I'm not doing much (asana) yoga at the moment - my old wrist problem has seared up again and I'm giving it a break... and I always notice it in my yoga if I'm not eating correctly, and now that indicator is missing.

Otherwise I'm really enjoying my vegetarian diet. I feel lighter and better, and after about three weeks the worst craving for meat has disappeared. I'm still not sure if I'll keep going after one month, but it's definitely been an interesting experience.

And not to go totally gloomy, here's a question for you. Do blonds really have more fun?

Advice is good, good advice even better

I have to say I'm thoroughly impressed, the one line I just threw out in the last entry was enough for Taika and Laura to figure out exactly what I needed to do, without seeing my work, any patterns or complete instructions... I didn't think it would have been possible to get long-distance help with sewing, especially with something as specific as this, but I'm glad I was wrong. Thanks guys!

In any case, you'll be glad to know that although the original instructions didn't really open up, with a little help from my friends I managed to finish the jacket (sans sleeves, need to figure out the exact length for those). I'm now working on the decorations, black detail on the front edges which I'll sew by hand (another piece excellent advice).

And what I've learned from reading Taika's sewing diary is that one needs to keep themselves entertained while engorged in sewing projects... so I decided to see if it was possible to watch subtitled anime while sewing and I'm happy to say that it's entirely possible. Mind you, these are Naruto episodes that I've already seen twice so I know what's happening - but it definitely helps the time pass (but damn, I also now know that it took me nine episodes to get the sewing, pressing and pinning done today).

This takes time. We're still hunting for khaki/olive green twill or cotton for Jiraiya. Seems that that particular colour is not in season so I might have to do dye job to get it done...

I see green

Sundays are so busy nowadays... In addition to being on the phone and doing yoga, I've been sewing, and I now have what resembles a green jacket. I was able to follow the instruction steps from 1 to 8 without too many tears, but step 9 has me beat (turn front edge OUTSIDE along the fold line, forming facing...). It makes no sense, and I have no idea what the picture is about so I'm tempted to improvise, I'm pretty close to finish and what could POSSIBLY go wrong at this point? In any case, at this point I've spent four hours on this instead the advertised "2 hours of sewing time" so it's time I take a break...

This is fun though. It's been a while but it's coming back to me now. Stuff that I learned at school, like, almost twenty years ago. Amazing.

Costume-a-go-go

We took a trip down to Richmond this morning, to visit a fabric superstore... yep, I've started working on our cosplay costumes for Sakura-con. This is fun, it's been too long since I've been to look at fabrics are and dreaming about everything I'd like to make. I also notice that I have no clue whatsoever about the English terminology for sewing... I'm looking at the instructions and they are like in a foreign language (well, they are). I'm sure it'll all become clear once I start working on it.

For now, I bought forest green twill for Tsunade's jacket, plus some red and black Chinese brocade to jazz it up. Faded green khaki was not available, so fabric for Jiraiya's kimono needs to wait a little bit. The pattern is marked with big "easy - ready in two hours" label so I trust I can do this...

Dragon flies home

2 wasted holidays, 1000$ and 7000 km later, I am back from morbidly cold Ottawa, after a successful mission to apply for a new biometric Finnish passport.

Despite the protests of the Embassy and Consulate staff here in Canada, the Ministry of Finances did not approve the acquisition for suitable equipment for honorary consulates to progress passport applications, so I had to make the trip to sunny Ottawa, where they conveniently had the coldest day of the year thus far.

Since the application process itself took only 5 minutes, I spent 7 hours going around the Canadian capital, seeing the sights such as the Parliament Hill and the museum of Nature.

Amongst the sights of Ottawa I wanted to visit was the Royal Mint where the famous Gold Maple Leafs are produced, and thus, armed with a map of the Canadian capital, I marched up the Rue Sussex. Along halfway there, I thought I’d found the Royal Mint. It was a huge, forbidding building, surrounded by a fence with razor-sharp tips, guarded by soldiers and with a single doorway with a state-of-the-art metal detector. It looked like a fortress. And that building –you guessed it – was the Embassy of US, as I found out once I got a bit closer.

Once I got to my destination, the Royal Mint was extraordinarily cool, with piles of gold bullion everywhere, and they even allowed us to lift some bars that cost 300 000$ each. I also found out that my weight in gold is almost exactly 13,5 million dollars.

The rest of the day was spent in Art Galleries and museums, finishing with the Museum of Nature, which, while still under construction was an excellent experience. I especially liked the dinosaurs (it is nice to notice that child within me is not yet dead), though experience was somewhat ruined by hordes of screaming kids. I bought an ancestor as a gift for kolibri, and headed back to the airport.

I enjoyed my day in Ottawa, but I did not enjoy wasting two of my holidays on it, and spending all that money. Ministry of Interior and Ministry of Finances will receive a letter from me in the near future. I don’t know how much weight one citizen’s outcry will carry, but I really think someone in Finland should look at the map of Canada and realize what a huge country this is. I would have rather paid triple price for the new passport than have to fly all the way to Ottawa to get it, as pleasant city as it was.

Baby-watch over

Last night I woke up at 11:30 with a phone call from Timo. Sirpa's water had broken and the baby had finally decided to come out - and they were now in a hurry, so I stumbled out of bed, threw some essentials into my bag and ordered myself a taxi. Pretty much as soon as I arrived, Timo and Sirpa were out of the door and I was left with sleeping Ella. She was a bit restless during the night and I had to wake up few times to comfort her, but nothing that gentle touch didn't cure.

I got the text message around 6 am saying that a healthy boy of hefty 4.5 kg was born at 3:59 - both mother and son are doing fine.

In the morning Ella was not impressed about the fact that I was there. She woke up, and stood staring at me for minutes - I tried explaining the situation but she was having none of it. She then went to her parents' bedroom, walked around the bed before she accepted that I was telling the truth and that her parents were indeed not there. She then walked back to her own room, gave me one last look and closed the door to my face! For a two-year-old she sure has an attitude! After ten minutes she came out though, quite happy, and asked me to read a book for her. And I was doing that when her dad came home - but now it was her time to give her dad the cold shoulder for abandoning her, and she was very sour for few minutes until she warmed up again.

So now I'm off the baby-watch. It's great that everything went well in the end.

Busy weekend

Wow, that was a busy weekend. Good busy though, meeting lots of friends, teaching and doing yoga.

On Sunday I taught my first flow class at Flow, it was their Sunday karma class. I notice I'm almost totally over nervousness about teaching - on the previous night I had some few second periods of anxiety but nothing major. I arrived on time, set up my mat, put on my music and just went with it. It was a mixed class: some teacher trainees (in the new program), some total newbies, some people with some experience. I followed loosely a primary series formula - it comes to me the easiest, and it's what I practice. But that was like the longest hour and 15 minutes of my life...

But I feel that it was an ok performance. Nicole and Robert were there taking the class and they both said that it was really good... to which I said "come on guys, that's so boring" and then I got some useful criticism. Mainly that my voice was too soft (it's a huge room, so I tried walking around to carry my voice) and that I kept confusing feet and hands. Yeah, half the time when I meant to say "step your right foot up" I said "step your right hand up"... I guess that'll come with time. But I was really proud for not messing up my lefts and rights - for some reason I never mess them up when teaching although in normal life I really can't tell them apart.

And for those following the baby news... well, there are no news. Baby is happy where it is and the doctor wants to wait. My time has been booked for Saturday, that's our new deadline for starting the birth in case he doesn't decide to come out before that - so I'm still pretty much on call.

Politeness

One of the striking differences in behavior between Vancouverites and Helsingers (I just made that word up) is politeness, or maybe it's unselfishness. I was thinking about it the other day in the crowded number 5 bus - the new busses have half the seats the old ones used to have so most people have to stand now. A seat became available, but no one sat down. People nearby looked at each other, but no one dared to sit down in case, I don't know - someone needed the seat more than they did? This went on for several stops, the bus is crowded but there is one seat available and yet no one sits down. It's totally bizarre.

Waiting

One of the most intimate experiences in my life was last night, being in a dimly lit room with a woman in labor.

Yes, last night at ten I got the call that Sirpa was about to give birth, so Timo came to pick me up and I went to watch over sleeping Ella. The expecting parents left for the hospital around midnight and I went to bed. Unknown are the ways of babies though, and they came back after 3 am - they had been given the option to wait at the hospital but they wanted to come home instead.

And they were still there when I woke up in the morning - by this time Sirpa had been in labor for about 15 hours and was getting thoroughly fed up with the whole affair. Ella was pretty stunned about the fact that I was there in the morning, I'm sure the shock would have been even more if her parents hadn't been there.

So we wait.

RIP Frank

This morning we came in and Frank - who was definitely a rat - was found in one of the traps, dead. After a lot of gawking and pointing I thought we'd have enough macabre entertainment and I bagged Frank, he's now being stored next to my desk waiting for Kevin the maintenance guy.

And so ends the tale of Frank the rat.

This means war

I was kind of relieved that Frank was a no show this morning... Then I tried turning my computer on - but I couldn't log in, rebooted, logged in but there was no network. After lot of shuffling I managed to trace the problem to the network cable - which had been, surprise surprise, chewed on by Frank.

Come on Frank. The fact that I want you dead doesn't mean that I don't love you.

Later: maintenance guy came again and put up more sticky traps, I think we know know where Frank - who is starting to gain legendary fame - gets in. Sometime this week an exterminator will hopefully show up.

Even later: Swell. The exterminator guy says that Frank is a rat.

Frank

I came to work this morning and Don was looking at me snickering. Then he pointed at something on the floor and said: "Recognize this?". Yeah, I recognized it alright - there on the floor was an unopened box of brandy beans (that's brandy-filled chocolates shaped like beans for you Europeans), one corner chewed off and confetti of cardboard all around it.

"Mice" I said.

Yep, somehow we have mice in the office - Gino had forgotten a box of brandy beans under his desk on Friday, and the mice had found them, dragged them to the other side of his desk, chewed open a corner and then decided that they didn't want liquor filled chocolates after all. We named the mouse "Frank" and called maintenance, who came and put in a temporary mouse trap promising to come and set up the proper equipment tomorrow.

The problem from my point of view is that what this temporary mouse trap is, is just a heavy piece of extremely sticky paper. Apparently this is fairly standard trap around there parts - but it doesn't necessarily kill the mouse like an old fashioned snapping trap would. So the mouse might suffocate on it if he sticks his nose into it, but he might not - so when I come to work tomorrow morning there might be a half-dead Frank squealing trapped on that sheet... meaning I will have to kill it, especially if the guys are gonna bail out and stay at home as heavy snowfall has been promised for tonight.

Great. I have nothing against killing animals in principle - Frank wouldn't think twice about doing it to me if he could. And I'm pretty sure I could do it - my mom has taught me the kind of determination that when something needs to be done, you just have to go ahead and do it... and I'd rather kill Frank than let him suffer any further. I'd just rather not.

Almost there

Huh, it's 10pm and I'm awake, must be that the jet-lag is almost over.

Had quite a pleasant day today, first I was on the phone with my therapist Chu where I had a chance to talk over some things that have been bothering me for months... and as always, we ended up talking for too long and I had to run catch Jesse's class. His classes are not fun, but they are super-useful and efficient, I think the improvement in my posture that's happened in the past six months is mostly due to his teaching.

Best of all, when I was coming home it was still light. Although it's still cold and there's snow on the ground it's definitely getting lighter... I love it, darkness in Finland was so depressing.

Life is like a boat

Huh, the week has gone past in a kind of a haze.

Jet-lag, yes, recovering from cold, yes... Also I've been suffering from some pretty heavy anxiety which has caused my eating problem to escalate, mainly meaning that I don't. Which causes weakness and dizziness and nausea which means I want to eat even less - it's a very difficult cycle to break.

I used to suffer from this quite a lot when I was younger, and the problem appeared again end of last year... it just happened that it was suddenly easiest not to eat anything. My mother-in-law told me when she saw me that I had lost weight - I ignored her because she always says that, and my weight has stayed the same for the past nine years... But this time she was actually right. I stepped on the scales at Blocks (because it was there) and found that I had lost few kilos, but didn't think about it more than that. On Monday I went to yoga where I met Trevor who I haven't seen for months, and his first words were "My god what happened, you look like a stick!" - and I guess that's when I really started thinking about it. I mentioned it to Nicole and Karen who both said the same thing, that you can see by looking at me that I've lost weight.

I feel different. I feel... thin and bony. I feel weak. And I feel fat, which I know is not true and I recognize is unhealthy. But eating is so difficult, I hate feeling of being full, I've always hated it. On Wednesday evening I felt so awful I broke down and started crying, begging Dragon to help me - he's always given me a total freedom when it comes to eating which has always been appreciated, but now I need someone to make me eat, otherwise I won't. Starting this week I've also changed my diet, just to see if I can make myself feel better in my body again - I'm going vegetarian for a month and see if that helps.

It's something I've been thinking about for a while and I really want to try it and see if it makes a difference in my life, both physically and spiritually. But it's quite drastic how my outlook on food has been changed because of it - the possible lunch menu suddenly shrinks into a miniscule part of what it used to be. At our sandwich and soup place there is now two possible sandwiches I can take ("vegetarian" and egg), and depending on the day there might not be a vegetarian soup available. Our sushi place place serves some vegetarian sushi too, so that won't be a huge problem. I can get falafel from our falafel place. Our wrap place offers tofu as source of protein for all of their wraps. Most of all I think it's about commitment - the will to change and the will to demand something else.

Slowly, slowly.

The irony of it

While Finland looked like it was Autumn throughout our holidays, Vancouver is rapidly being covered in Snow. I still have one more day of Holiday left, which I am going to spend productively by getting us a new microwave oven, getting an appointment in a chiropractic practice, as well as paying the bills that piled up over our break... provided anything works in Vancouver today. Snow tends to grind this city to halt, and there seems to be fair bit of it raining down today.

First day

And I'm back to work. Everything is pretty much how I left it, except several people (not from our department) have quit... I think it's still backlash from the whole legality/uncertainty issue.

Morning was fine, but by lunch time my body was shutting down and I felt like my head was wrapped in cotton. Thoughts were like ants in amber... still, I though I should try to get going back to my normal routine and went to yoga. It was great to see everyone again, but practice was not happening - Kelly was doing primary series so "taking it easy" like I had meant to wasn't really an option. I did the standing series and then just got to savasana, I just couldn't do anything else... even breathing was difficult because of my cold.

Still, I'm glad I went. It was nice to be back at the studio and meeting my friends just give me such energy. Now... I'm fighting jet-lag - just few more minutes and I'll turn in.

Last day

Phew... I think I survived today. I woke up at 3 am because the electricity was cut off (once again - it's like a third world country here) and the smoke detector that is (still) running out of batteries was beeping. I tried to get back to sleep around 7 am but my nose was so blocked I couldn't breath properly.

I've mostly stayed awake by watching the before mentioned Planetes. Damn, it's got to be one of the best anime series I've ever seen, it works in so many levels.

Work tomorrow. Of course I'll be healthy enough to go to work, only a fool would be sick on their own time, right?

The long version

Must. Stay. Awake. (Not very successful...)

Ok, long(er) version of "how things went wrong again" i.e. the trip back home.

In Helsinki airport we found out that the limit of "one suitcase can weight only 32 kg max" does exist and is enforced. So I had to open my suitcase in the check-in, and move 3 kg worth of stuff to a new bag (our third). And this was the point my trusty 8-year-old Samsonite decided to resign, and the lock broke - we got it open, but it wouldn't close anymore. Dragon managed to use some excessive force and get it to close, but we had to break it to get it to open at home... time for a new suitcase. The only good thing about this incident was that at noon on a Friday Helsinki airport was practically empty, and we had a very nice and patient attendant who gave us time to get the suitcases sorted.

Flight to London was uneventful and on time - which was very good, because Heathrow was a mess. We had about hour an a half to change planes and after last time we knew that we had to go through quite a lot, so we half-ran to the security checks... only to be stranded in a sea of non-moving people who all had planes to catch. Some people tried tricks to skip the queue - "Please let me through, you're not doing a transfer are you?" (er, yes we are, as are all the rest of the hundreds of people sweating here), "I have a BA flight, can I fast-track?" (good one - on Heathrow), "My plane is leaving in half an hour" (yes, they had my sympathies but no one was skipping this one).

This pile was only the queue to get to the security check queue though, and after about a half an hours wait we got to the proper queue. It was hot, people were annoyed and worried, trying to hide the fact that they had more than one hand luggage. We both had only one this time, but queues were so bad I think they let this one slide today... oh well. At least my gold rings were not beeping this time and after queuing for another half an hour we got through the checks without any incidents and ran to the bus that took us to terminal 4. Then running though the airport as our flight had already started boarding... only to find out that it hadn't, then waiting in line, then waiting in the plane - and leaving an hour late.

We were lucky with the seats though - right in the back of the plane, isle seats too. And we were sitting in front of Dragon's colleague who was coming back from his Christmas holidays, but hadn't gotten a seat together with his wife who was sitting somewhere 30 rows in front of us - so we had it just fine. There was a small child behind us who was relatively quiet, but kept kicking our seats. There were lots of kids in the plane, actually - including a children's choir from Uganda (but they were brilliant, I never saw more well behaved kids). Another uneventful flight, I slept most of it. My cold was making me fairly miserable - I can tell you this much: there's nothing like coming from 11 km down to open up your sinuses, but it'll also hurt like hell and make your nose bleed. It happened on both landings, yay for traveling when ill.

Bad thing about sleeping on the plane was that when I woke up it was about 4am in Helsinki and my body was very adamant that this was no time to be waking up, and when I did it retaliated with a stomach ache and nausea. And we had to re-take the landing when coming to "very windy" Vancouver - first time we had landing gear out and were fast approaching the runway when I could feel us taking up again, and soon the captain announced that there was apparently debris on the runaway and that we had to fly around for a bit until they cleaned it up. The only thing that made this bearable was the cheery though that there was a Hatchimaki and his crew somewhere down there making landing safe for us (ok, too much Planetes... still, the captain's announcement about debris made me giggle).

So we arrived about an hour late. The great thing about Vancouver airport and coming to Canada is that it's never painful. We cleared the passport control very quickly, and got our luggage (all of them, in one piece, closed) in record time. Then just catching a taxi and getting home.

On our was home I couldn't help noticing that there was piles of snow around. Great, we spend the Christmas in pitch black Helsinki where temperatures were the warmest since the records begun, and it has been snowing in Vancouver. Our neighbor reported that the snow collapsed the roof of the stadium that is supposed to be housing the winter olympics, great work guys... but needs some improvement as they say.

It's good to be home. I'm at home at my parents', but home is always home.

Home

Late, tired, cold and with a nose bleed. Oh, home sweet home.

Bye

I'm sick as a dog, and the flight is leaving in few hours time. Great. I just hope the trip will go smoother than on our way in... I'll let you know when we're back home.

We're not on the West Coast anymore, Toto

I love the West Coast, and the friendly atmosphere. Yet when I come here I just lose it all, within days. Today I was in the underground - I sat down, started typing a text message to Chu when an elderly lady sat opposite me and started talking to me and the guy next to me. I had my headphones on so I didn't hear what she was saying, and I didn't lift my glance from my mobile... stonewalling her until she shut up.

I mean, how rude is that? Back home I would have acknowledged the other person, would have at least smiled at her and possibly started a short conversation.

So rude.

In with the new

I don't really feel like blogging when I'm in Finland... I think most people that I blog for I see regularly, and therefore I feel like I'm just re-iterating things they already know. Also, it's been such a busy vacation. It just seems to be one of those things that I can't do anything about, time is slipping through my fingers and now I can see the time to go home in just a few days time. I mean, where did it all go? I've met everyone I wanted to, but haven't spent as nearly as much time with them as I had planned to or wanted to.

Most of the time I've been jet-lagged. Some of the time I've been sick (like now). There's been lot of great things, lot of difficult ones. Lots of retrospect for the year past, I'd like to write some of them here too at some point. Lots of anime, and discussions of it (it's all good). Great party for New Years- excellent crowd of people, lots of sauna, good discussions and playing Guitar Hero.

I'm going to try my best to work the opposite of what's instinctual for me and enjoy the rest of my vacation without thinking about going home. Even if that's all my dreams have been about for the past three nights now.