Wednesday 15 November, 2006

Ego, ego, ego

When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away

So if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

When you thought that it was over
You could feel it all around
And everybody's out to get you
Don't you let it drag you down

- Everything's not Lost, Coldplay
Past few weeks at my yoga sutra classes we've been talking about ego, as part of human mind and how to recognize it. Well, my ego is a huge part of my panic and anxiety disorder where the driving force is "what will people think of me". Being able to distinguish this has been a big help because, as Padma teaches, it's impossible to even start trying to solve problems if you don't first observe and understand them.

Today I was literally feeling my ego attacking me from the both sides.

At work my friend Hisayo has been training to run a marathon - she's going to Hawaii next month to run the Honolulu Marathon - and they were doing a 50/50 draw to sponsor her. (And for you Europeans, 50/50 draw is a type of lottery where people buy tickets and half of the proceedings go to charity and the other half is the winning price - so how much you (can) win depends on how many people buy tickets.) When I heard about this yesterday I immediately decided that if I would win I would give my part of the money to Hisayo too... and whaddya know, today I actually had the winning ticket.

So first my ego is slapping me on the back telling me what a good and generous person I am, and how now everyone is going to think so highly of me because of this. This kind of ego massage isn't the worst kind as long as the results are good - and Hisayo was indeed moved by my donation (in a very Japanese way, chocking a bit: "I will run it for you!") and I felt all warm and fuzzy. But then there was the other ego demon on my other shoulder whispering to me how people were going to think I was completely bonkers and retarded for giving $200+ away just like that. But the way I honestly thought about it that I was giving her the $20 I had put into the pot, and the rest I never had - it was from other people in the company who were sponsoring her. Still, my ego demon didn't leave me alone - at home I was starting to feel really miserable about the whole thing...

Padma teaches that one should know their own purity - meaning that you should know what's pure and good in yourself, and remember and believe that when things get difficult. For me this is a very powerful thought: it means casting aside doubt about yourself and concentrating on the good qualities you know you posses. This helped me tremendously today - I know what I did was right, and I know I did it for unselfish reasons, I did it for my friend because I wanted to help her and make her happy. As long as I succeeded in that it was between me and Hisayo and whatever anyone else thinks - good or bad - isn't something I should overly think or care about. I know my own purity.

Posted by kolibri at 15 November 22:14, 2006
Comments
# 1 - HunnuH (on November 16, 2006 02:46 AM):

" as Padma teaches, it's impossible to even start trying to solve problems if you don't first observe and understand them. "

To me, this is just common sense. Obviously for many people it isn't - why else would my personal hero, Dr. Phil say it in virtually every episode. :)

Whatever it's worth, I think you did a wonderful thing for your friend. It really wasn't your money after all, but you WERE given the power to do anything with it!

You happened to feel that way and it must be at least as okay as someone else pampering him/herself with it! If this made you feel good, someone will see it as a selfish act anyway, so it really didn't matter what you did as long as no one forced you into anything. :)

*hugs from Pukinmäki* :)


# 2 - kolibri [TypeKey Profile Page] (on November 16, 2006 06:56 AM):

Patanjali, Buddha, Jesus, Dr. Phil, my mom... they all talk about this stuff because it's in the very essence of the human nature. It's ancient wisdom because it's always been there, but it's so easy to lose it has to be discovered again and again.

Padma also teaches that this is all wisdom that you already posses - that you were already perfect before you got sidetracked and forgot it. I could lecture about this for hours too, but my ego whispers to my ear that it wouldn't be of any interest to most of my readers who already think I've seriously started to become some new-age hippie ;)


# 3 - HunnuH (on November 16, 2006 01:48 PM):

"Padma also teaches that this is all wisdom that you already posses - that you were already perfect before you got sidetracked and forgot it. "

The only question that may arise is who are YOU? Which part of you (or me, for that matter) already knows things and which part is only here to learn...


# 4 - kolibri [TypeKey Profile Page] (on November 16, 2006 02:06 PM):

I wouldn't worry about that too much. It will all become clear when you (practice kriya yoga and) observe yourself in peace. All learning needs to come from inside you and your best subject is yourself. Learn what you are first, how you work, how your emotions and other mind waves manifest and accept yourself as you are. There's no hurry, you have your whole lifetime with yourself and when you're ready to understand who you are you will.

I'm a huge Patanjali fangirl :)


# 5 - Chu (on November 20, 2006 05:09 AM):

Darling, that was a sweet thing to do!


You can't add any more comments, but if you wish you can email the author.