Doubt, revisited

Big thanks for everyone who replied to my post about self-doubt.

It's strange, somehow I was expecting people to like something else than what I myself like... Maybe it's one of those "grass is always greener" things when I expect that other people's lives are much more interesting (to read about) than mine - most of my days consist of going to work, doing yoga and coming home and maybe watching some TV with the husband. So I write about yoga and what it means to me. So I write about stuff we've watched.

In fact, I've been writing quite a lot lately, just most of the stuff doesn't end up here. Way before I met Dragon I used to write a lot and dream about maybe doing that for living some day - but when I met him I realized I'd never be as good as him and pretty much stopped altogether (because of some stupid notion that if I couldn't be best it wouldn't be worth it) until I started writing in this blog three years ago. My mom commented at some point that my writing style is journalistic more than literary, and I think she's probably right - writing fiction has always been much more difficult for me.

So anyway. I think entries I've been happiest with lately have been of reviews and analysis of some anime and manga - if you haven't read them maybe you'd want to try reading the reviews for Haibane Renmei from two days ago or Gankutsuou from September, I'm really proud of those. It's just a little bit sad that those are the ones people are not interested in... But that brings the question, who am I writing for? For sure if I said that I'm writing for myself, I'd be writing a secret diary and would never show it to anyone. So I'm doing this publicly because I want someone to read my musings, because there's something I feel I have that's worth sharing, and therefore I feel I have to take my readers into consideration at least a little bit.

But it's unrealistic to think that I'd have the determination or the will to write about what other people want to hear if I didn't resonate with it, day after day. So like Janne pointed out, I have to write about what I want to write about, and hope that someone will find it of interest... and if not, well I would be very sad to see you go but would hope that you'd understand that I have to do what I have to do.

So this is me. Last year it was wrestling (but ever since Eddie died a year ago it just wasn't the same, for many reasons), this year it's been yoga and lately anime. Maybe it'll change. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'm going to get pregnant and then that's all you hear about. If you're interested you'll just have to stick around to see.

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