Difficult

Life has been a bit difficult lately.

I mean, it's of course all relative. I'm in a happy relationship with a wonderful man, I have a job that I like with people that I like, I have money and hobbies that I love.

But it all means nothing when a panic attack hits. Quite a few people have experienced a panic attack at one time or another, although many might not recognise it as such... sometimes people think that they're dying of a heart attack when it's happening for the first time. And for most people it happens once or twice and will never happen again. Those who have been there know what I'm going through, and those that haven't - well, I don't think there's any way to understand just how devastating it is.

When I was younger I used to have several panic attacks a day, but in the past few years it's only been maybe one a month. Which is probably as close I'll ever get to "a normal life" whatever that may be... and I've come to accept it and can deal with it.

But sometimes there are rough patches, like now, where panic attacks become - for no apparent reason - daily occurances again. These are the times when I'm so scared I'll fall back to my old habits, fall back to being scared and anxious, fall back to staying at home because it's easier than facing the world. When slightest little bumb on the road becomes an uncrossable mountain. From experience I know that this will pass... but there's still that voice in the back of my head whispering to me that maybe this time it won't... maybe this time it's here to stay.

Baby steps.

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