Emotional

We went to yin yoga together tonight, and it turned out to be maybe the most emotional practice I've ever had. First of all, I had an anxiety attack right in the beginning, and was fighting against it half-way through the practice. Shannon talked a lot this time, can't really say exactly about what but it was very emotional, about feeling certain asanas envoke. So I was lying in saddle, my absolute favourite yin pose, and Shannon was saying that this pose exposes the solar plexus and heart chakras, and I truly felt it - my heart chakra, the emotional one, was wide open but solar plexus chakra, the power center, was blocked and I tried breathing into it without succeeding. I can't even say I was thinking about something particular that made me feel emotional, I just was full of different emotions, both sad and happy.

When I opened my eyes after the practice I was surprised to find myself back at th studio, I had literally been somewhere totally different.

Well, let's face it, I've now been on lower dose of my medication for four days, and I can feel it. With the big dosage my life was very... even. I wouldn't want to say that it dampened my emotions, because I don't think it did - but it made my life smoother. I know I was kind of hoping that my body would get used to that kind of existance, and after dropping the drug altogether life would just continue easy.

It doesn't work like that. I can already see my body returning to it's normal functional level - feeling everything again very strongly. It's like the road is the same, but I'm now driving in a car with a bad suspension, so I can feel all the cracks on the road. My body reacts easily to even minute stimuli, and some of them are interpeted as (wrongly) threats... This is what was missing from my life with 25mg of Paxil a day. Can't say I missed it, but it just brought everything back - this is my life. And I just have to deal with it.

All this sounds a bit pessimistic, I guess, but it's not meant as such. I'm not feeling bad about it - slightly disappointed, yes - but not bad, my life has always been like that. And I'm glad too that I'll be able to get rid of the drug - it was good as it lasted, but I don't need to use it anymore. Anyway. I didn't mean to write about all that - it's something I actually realised yesterday when I had a slight panic attack out of the blue that I was able to control. And thinking aloud today when talking to Chu the thought process continued and I just felt like writing about it.

What I meant to write about was yoga, and how it has changed my life.

When I started doing yoga about two and a half years ago, it was just an excercise - I was still trying to find a style that I would really love. And for a long time, probably the whole time I was doing yoga in England, it was mostly about sports. I had some interest in doing meditation even back then, but the class in Newbury never worked out in the end. Starting yoga here start of this year and studying with my current teachers has been a turning point, no doubt. Kelly, Jason, Kristin, and now Shannon have all helped me to get to the "next level" on yoga, to make it into a spiritual practice too.

And today, the practice today has probably been the pinnacle of it all, helped along with the meditation practices I've been doing with Brian.

Damnit, I can't write about this properly.

I feel stupid writing these things as I can't express myself like I want to. I can't put it into words how I feel, how I see life differently now. I don't want to sound like a total nutcase - I'm still who I was six months ago, or maybe even better...

I feel better. Honestly.

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