Friday 4 February, 2005
Regretful Dragon
Regret is a weird thing.
Years ago I was signing autographs in a games convention when a really pretty child strolled to my table asking for an autograph and started chatting me about the games in an excited, high-pitched voice.
“It is great that girls like my games as well“ I said, and then suddenly realised that “she” was actually he. This little boy was just simply androgynous-looking kid with longish hair and voice that either boy or a girl could have. I felt truly awful about it, apologised several times, and gave the kid a ton of free stuff as a way of compensation. The kid was cool about it, and laughed it off, and was really pleased with all the merchandise I gave him. But I felt bad for hours afterwards.
And even now, over four years later, I get pangs of guilt and feeling of remorse like flashes as physical pain as I remember the expression on the child’s face when I revealed I’ve mistook him for a girl. There are times when I would give almost anything to go back to that moment of time and correct myself.
It puzzles me why this is so: I’ve done much worse things in my life that never bother me in slightest, and generally I am a “what is done is done” kind-of-guy. But this experience, and couple of others seem to cling onto me from one year to the next. No matter what I do, I cannot shake them off me. Bar one, none of these sources of guilt are serious matters. Human emotions simply defy my logic.
Ah, I feel better now that I’ve written this down. Perhaps this ghost from my past will not come to haunt me anymore.
I think that your feel shame - a very painful emotion that have roots in the early childhood. Most of us have this kind of experiences that we want to hide. I recall a situation, when I told an American colleague a joke with my poor English and only later found out that I had used a dirty word that changed the meaning. I am still afraid I might meet him again...
These are situations were we brake social, unwritten codes indeliberately. I think that sex is often envolved in some way. They are not "sins", breaking of ethical rules.
I know how you feel. I hope this opening your hart helps ouur. I hope this helps me, too.
You can't add any more comments, but if you wish you can email the author.