Leaving is like a little death

Outi's entry today hit home pretty hard for many resons.

First time when I was faced with that situation was when I moved to Nottingham in 1997, to be with Dragon. All I had with me was two suitcases full of belongings and a firm belief that I needed to be with the man I loved. I knew nothing about what I was going to do, and what was going to happen. I was small and young (23!) and scared out of my wits. When I was with Dragon I was deliriously happy, and when he was at work I was very alone, in a totally unknown place - and back then we didn't even have an internet connection at home. Calling Finland cost more than you want to know, and I didn't have Chu then so I didn't have anyone who would have been able to heal me let alone the words to describe my feelings.

But that's not the topmost thing that I remember from those days. I remember being happy, and I remember that I never doubted my choice. We didn't have any money and later when I went to University we had even less. It was difficult in many levels, but we managed, and I even graduated.

So when it became apparent that we had to move to Canada, it was pretty obvious to me that this time it would be so much easier - I was older and wiser and I had so much more support and skills. Still, I think this time it was much more difficult, I panicked even more, and I got depressed. Proves that things don't always go according to plan, and no matter how prepared you are there are some things you can't prepare for.

I've been on my medication for three months now, and today I went to see my doctor to figure out what to do next. I was afraid that she would say that since I'm ok I don't need it anymore, and would cut me off, and that I wouldn't be ok, that I wouldn't survive without help. But to my surprise she said that if it was working for me and I was feeling good, I should continue on it until I found a job and my life was properly settled in. She also said that I was doing all the right things, yoga, being active, and she even offered that if I needed therapy she could arrange something for me - however I don't really feel that I could justify spending money on that right now. So I got three more months on the drugs.

Because I'm ok now, I really am. I get wound up about little things, but that's me, that's what I've always done, medication or not. I get agitated and sad and lonely sometimes, but I feel that it's part of human life too and it's not controlling my life abnormally.

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