...and bad days

Just when I bragged to my mom yesterday that things were easing up for Dragon at work, another crisis comes up and he's gone for the week again. I bloody hate this, but fortunately there are signs that things will be better in the near future.

But this is one of those not-so-good days where I seem to be doing "everything" wrong.

I managed totally to forget the golden rule of not eating at least two hours before any exercise - in fact for me that's preferably over three. Funny, I was fully aware of it just yesterday. So I ate lunch too late, and too much, and by the time I had to go for yoga I was still feeling nauseated (which, in case you didn't know, is perfectly normal for my anatomy). I felt stupid, and considered not going, but the thought made me feel even worse.

So I made my way to the class, and on my way there I considered each and every step and felt like turning back on each of them. First ten minutes of the class was hell too, I was feeling nauseated and just wanted to go to the bathroom cool off or to vomit. Then - like a magic switch - I suddenly felt better and got into the practice (yin yoga today - wouldn't have even dared to go for an ashtanga class). Good class, some really intense backbends that worked my lower back good. But the good feeling lasted about until I got home and I realised that I had several lonely evenings waiting for me.

So yes, I have days like this as well. I was going to reply to Julie's post yesterday, but it became so long I decided to post it up here instead. Life with a phobia is very hard at times and setbacks, when they come, can totally devastate you. Then recovering from the mental hangover you get from failing can take days, just to get back to your previous state, let alone the distant goal of getting better.

On these bad days I don't feel like practicing, or doing anything, but from experience I know that I'm going to feel a lot worse if I don't go. Chickening out was my approach when I was a child, and although it probably did work momentarily (or did it? maybe I just thought it did), dodging the difficult or unpleasant tasks always made things worse in the end.

So you would think then that actually conquering your fear and doing those tasks would make be victorious, would make you feel better, right? It's not true for me, it never has been. So ok, I made it this time - but there's always that fear in the back of your mind that maybe, just maybe, you just got lucky, no way of knowing if it will happen ever again.

And I don't even know why this surfaced right now.