That meme

This meme is everywhere, and it's actually really interesting. So here's my personal history:

10 years ago I was studying at University of Helsinki for the second year. I had decided that although I was good at maths in school, it wasn't what I wanted to study - and I had therefore started to study computer science. I was engaged to be married to my high school sweetheart (although not in love with him) and we moved together after he got out of the army. I was planning to get married with him the year after, when I joined Spock's HUT where I met most people I consider now to be my closest friends, and fell passionately and madly in love with a guy who made me laugh like no one else had before or ever since. I left my fiance, moved back to my parents' place shortly before moving into a shared house with my new love. I pretty much stopped studying and started larping.

Five years ago I was living in England and engaged to a completely different man, had gotten back to studying and graduated in the summer as BSc (Hons). I was sure I wanted to be a researcher, and we moved to Bishpop's Stortford and I started a new job. We were planning to get married and booked a place for our wedding for the summer after, and I suffered acutely from panic and anxiety disorder which made my and my partner's life a hell at times. After being in my new job only for three months I, together with the whole department, was made redundant with quite a handsome redundancy cheque which I decided to invest in a new company I started with my collegues.

Three years ago I had been married for a year and was still living in Bishop's Stortford, although in a different house. I was working in that small start up we had founded and had constant troubles at work until I was assigned the head of testing. I loved testing and decided that that would be what I wanted to do with my career. I had finished my therapy and was a lot happier for a while until my husband decided to take a job in another city which meant that we spent most of that year apart, him only coming home for the weekends. We had a major marital crisis which we overcame, and I started going to the gym for the first time in my life.

A year ago we were both living in Southsea, and I had a new job in Newbury where I commuted daily. I was working very hard but loving every moment of it. We had started this blog, and I had gotten into yoga big time.

This year I've been unemployed living in Vancouver and while on medication and recovering from depression I've been quite happy. I've been practicing a lot of yoga and exploring the city.

Yesterday I finished The Snow - best book I've read in ages, made a big chili and watched Iron Chef with the husband.

Today I've been chatting with Chu on Skype for hours and forgot to go to yoga because of it. I did some laundry and got a package from Amazon with Paul Grilley's book in it.

Tomorrow I'll go to yoga and do some more laundry.

Keltainen leski by Reijo Mäki

Another one of the Finnish books I got last summer but I've forgotten to read is Reijo Mäki's Keltainen leski. I've never read any Vares books before, but hey - I like a good detective novel and Vares was in the headlines last summer because of the movie they made of this book, so I decided to give it a go.

Story is classic one including cunning coincidences, mafia, love, lust and lot of money - you know, the works. Mäki is a skilled writer, his style is funny and gripping, and characters are interesting although most of them are quite unpleasant. Theme in this book seems very much to be weak flesh - most of the people in this book have a weakness that will motivate them although they know they are doing the wrong thing. Eeva's weakness is loneliness and she makes bad choices because of it, Kraft's problem is money, Koitere is addicted to sex and Miesmann is motivated by power and fear. In the middle of all this there is Jussi Vares, a private detective in a middle of a 40s crisis, who alone seems to be motivated by moral and he alone seems to want to do the right thing because it's right.

Excellent read, really enjoyed it, and I'm looking forward to reading more Vares books.

The fog

When I woke up this morning the weather was clear, but when I sat down drinking tea and starting a new book, fog started creeping from the sea. I got engrossed in the book - it's Adam Roberts' new book The Snow, where it starts snowing one day and snows for several years until the whole world is covered in three miles of snow - and at some point I look up and see nothing but white. Truly eery: couldn't see the building opposite us. I moved into closer the window where I could see at least some of the rooftops closer to us. I've been reading the book whole day and I feel unreal, the whole world has disappeared - in the book it's snow, in reality it's fog...

Spent the evening with Laura and Clay playing The Settlers of The Stone Age and eating cupcakes (tradition, by now) - I love the game, I think it's probably the best in Settlers series so far. Pretty even game this time - Dragon almost won, but Laura got better of us again (although I have to say I would have probably won given another round, no honest!)...

It doesn't matter who you're socialising with, Canadians, Americans - but at some point talk will always move to US politics. I feel - and I'm not alone - that something irriversible has happened and world will never be the same. Walking back home in the fog in the humid cold air, looking at the stars and the moon made me really appreciate what I have now.

Dragon nose

...Sure enough, the Nose did return, two minutes later. It was clad in a gold-braided, high-collared uniform, buckskin breeches, and cockaded hat. And slung beside it there was a sword, and from the cockade on the hat it could be inferred that the Nose was purporting to pass for a State Councilor. It seemed now to be going to pay another visit somewhere. At all events it glanced about it, and then, shouting to the coachman, “Drive up here,” reentered the vehicle, and set forth.

My day at work had been pretty bad and stressful, so when by chance I found a copy of Gogol's Nose I was delighted. Sufficient to say my day was saved, both because of the hilarious story and the deeper layer of meaning to it -as I understood it, Gogol tried to desribe the vanity of an absurdity of the status and rank in human society. The main character of the story, Kovalev would be quite willing to live without an arm or a leg, but not without his nose, since without it he will not be able to advance his political career in Moscov. Ironically, his detached nose is quite capable of assuming a high political position on its own without a need to have a body (or mind) attached to it. It is not difficult to hear Gogol's mocking laughter as he ridicules those who reach high offices due to other reasons than merit.

Check out a part of the story here. It is unlikely you will find better written (or funnier) absurd story anywhere on this earth.

Random thoughts about yoga

I've never heard anyone discuss this before, but I can't be the only one who finds certain asanas in ashtanga erotic. I'm talking about asanas that strongly engage the mula bandha (the root lock, using pelvic floor muscles), especially the seated ones like Paschimottanasanas. I remember when I found this for the first time, I was quite surprised and actually disliked it - it took the attention away from the practice. Since then I've been wondering about it, and if it's the "right" thing to feel or am I doing something wrong (and I mean I'm not engaging the lock right), or is it just one of those taboos that no one wants to talk about because it takes the focus out of the mental aspect of yoga.

And I'm probably tempting all the googlers even writing about this... Generally I don't find yoga erotic - it's different to for example going to the gym and lifting heavy weights and getting the pump (and Dragon can explain all about that), that feeling is definetly invigorating and empowering. My best yoga practices are when I'm able to concentrate on myself and the breathing, and then there is nothing else than me and the practice. Those are the moments are long for, because they are very rare for me - I'm constantly multitasking and getting all the threads to run the same task is almost impossible.

Also - I'm constantly interested in other peoples' practice. I know this is probably another yoga taboo and I know you're not supposed to compare yourself to other people, but still I can't help it. I used to be the star pupil of the class back in Karen's class back in England, most other girls did yoga maybe once a week I was doing three. Now - and especially in the primary series class - I'm one of the novices having never before practiced the full primary series in one go. Not that I find it unpleasant as such, but it is a cause of irritation because I can't advance fast enough for my taste... at the same time I'm more than aware that time is the biggest factor between me and most other people on the class. I'm just too damn impatient.

Besides, other people being more skilled at it than me is great - I've for the first time seen some asanas done, and it helps me to know where to aim. But also these are people doing beautiful yoga which is always a delight to watch.

Recycling

Residents of our building have understood the concept of recycling. In the basement we have the recycling and garbage room where people bring their, well, recycled materials like paper and plastic products, and leave their garbage. But in addition to this there is "unofficial" recycling going on all the time. People just put aside stuff that they don't want anymore but that can still be used by someone else: mugs, books, clothes, magazines... And today I found a perfectly good coffee table there.

I was taking out our plastic recylables, and thought that the table looked good - and on my way up in the elevator I decided that I should go and grab it. So down in the elevator (takes maybe 30 seconds) and grab the table - Vi, our building manager (Mrs.) was already there and urged me to take the table before someone else did...

It's a medium sized coffee table, black wooden frame and a glass top - you know one of those fancy tables you see in the decorating programs where you have a space under the glass where you can put pretty stones and feathers or whatever you want to use to decorate it. It'll become our printer table (as soon as we have money to buy one!), and I'll decorate it accodingly with manuals and cables and other geeky things.

Hate it

Have I told you I hate job hunting?

Well, I do. I hate the feeling of getting excited about a job that sounds really good, taking time to prepare a cover letter that you think really captures you well, heart pounding send the email... And then never hear anything back. Constant rejection, constant disappointment. I've shown my resume to several people who seem to think it's good and describes me and my skills well - so the problem must be with me and my skills.

Today I got so exited about this one job that I forgot my yoga class, something I've been looking forward to all day. Yet I'm almost 100% certain nothing will come out of that application either - it's just too perfect: exciting and fun industry and even the location is within walking distance...

So I've been trying to get some distance between me and the job hunt, so that I wouldn't care so much, so I wouldn't be so bitterly disappointed every time nothing happens. But what happens then is that I stop caring about getting a job at all, and will just forget all about it and do happily whatever it is that I'm doing.

I've been thinking about some other career options too, maybe do something completely different. I'm not sure if it's just a backlash of finding the job hunt so difficult, maybe it's just that I've slowly started seeing my life in a different light.

But at the moment, my options are totally open. I kind of continue to look for a job, but I can't get too involved with it or it will just kill me.

New ideas

Two highlights of my day today:

Chatting with my sister in the morning. Neither of us has been diagnosed as lactose intolerant, but both of us have issues with milk products - and she gave me some clues to what's happening with me. My tolerance to milk products seems to come and go without any pattern I've noticed, lately I've been eating more again, just because I love yoghurt. I take my cues from my stomach - if it hurts, I know I'm coming into a more intolerant phase and I'll cut off the milk products, and come back to them sometime later. Lately it hasn't been hurting, but there are some other signs that I hadn't associated with milk before, like my stomach bloating (and I'm sure you all really wanted to hear this). Need to experiment with that too, I guess. Good news is that alternative products are readily available: goat's, soy and rice milk for example. None of them is the same though...

Second achievement of the day was going to yin yoga - not that that itself is that spectacular, but the fact that no one else came for that class that usually has around ten people. And because of that the class was cancelled - but Jason and Kelly offered that if I still wanted to practice I was free to stay and practice by myself. Which I then did - for the full hour or so, which I'm quite proud of.

Eagles are people too

I was going to write about my day, my new tea experiences, the beautiful photos I took and my excellent yoga practice, but there's one thing today that has affected me more than anything else.

There have been some disgusting crimes happening in Vancouver in the past couple of months - quite a few bald eagles, those fabulous birds, have been mudered. Today brought the news that the total of bodies found has risen from 26 to 40. The remains of the birds have been found with their talons and tail feathers missing, believed to have been sold on black market, possible smuggled into US.

Initial suspects were the First Nations people who use talons and feathers in cultural ceremonies, but they have denied it vehemently, and have collected money to add to the reward for information leading to the conviction of those found responsible. However the officials are not overly positive that they will find the killers - there are about 20 000 bold eagles in British Columbia in a very large area, and catching someone red handed is practically impossible.

We saw one of the Stanley Park bold eagle pairs on Saturday when returning from our shopping trip, they were circling our house again. Seeing these magnificent animals so close takes my breath away... and I can't understand people who would do this, it makes my stomach turn.

Question time

Most exiting thing that happened today was the moment I petted a friendly cat on the street. So here's a little questionare I picked up from TFL:

1. What is your favorite word? English: congratulations, Finnish: maailma
2. What is your least favorite word? Obligation
3. What is your favorite sound? My husband laughing
4. What is your least favorite sound? Someone (especially me) vomiting
5. What is your favorite curse/swear word? One I use most is probably crap - not too strong, but it's got a nice rythm to it
6. If I asked every person that you'd kissed, theyd say your kisses were... tender, I hope
7. Describe your morning ritual to me... Wake up when Dragon's alarm goes off, lie in bed dazed for a bit, get my glasses, make some tea, pour some yoghurt on a cup, make couple of slices of bread with cheese or ham, pick out a fruit and go watch Frasier while eating it
8. You run into your friend while out shopping, what shop are you in? Probably food shop at the moment, another strong contender would be a book shop
9. If there was an extra hour in the day just for you, what would you spend it doing? Napping
10. When you find a spider in your house do you kill it, ignore it or shoo it? I'd never kill a spider (or any bug), but I wouldn't want to live with it eiter - so I would move it outside
11. Would you rather miss the beginning or the end of a movie? Beginning, I can always catch up
12. What is worse, being in a place that is too quiet or too loud? What a funny question, I don't think I've ever been in a place that is too quiet - so loud
13. What is worse, being too hot or too cold? Too cold, no contest - I can stand heat quite well
14. Which is worse, splinter or paper cut? Er... probably a splinter - paper cuts are nasty but heal well with a plaster, splinters can cause lot of trouble if you don't notice them early enough
15. Would you rather have seven older brothers or seven older sisters? Judging from what kind of horrible big sister I was, I'd say brothers
16. Would you rather change your past or know your future? I don't think I'd want to know my future, so I'll go with changing the past
17. Would you rather be lost at sea or lost in the desert? Difficult one, but I'd have to go with a desert - on the sea I might become seasick which would double the misery
18. Would you rather end hunger or hatred? I would hope that if there was no hate, there'd be less hunger too
19. Do you tend to date people younger or older than you? Well, my husband is two years older than I am - and if that doesn't asnwer the question I'll say that age doesn't really matter, personality does
20. If you could do any job, what would you most like to do? A florist or a yoga teacher. Or a nice tester job would be good too (I really like my profession)
21. What job would you least like to do? I guess some job in the military or some very heavy manual labour job
22. (If you believe in it) I spent my previous incarnation as... (I don't, but...) I used to be a cat
23. The person I most admire is... My mother - when I grow up I wanna be just like her
24. (cont from previous) Why? She is intelligent, kind, empathic and wise
25. If heaven exists, what do you think God will say to you when you reach the pearly gates? Wrong gate

This is Vancouver

I'm starting to be ready for the guests that start to arrive in about months time. I was planning to buy all the beddings some time next month - but yesterday when I was walking home from yoga class I happened to walk past Ed's Linens on Robson, my favourite linen shop (yes, I have a favourite linen shop!), and there were having a monster sale this weekend. So what can a girl do - savings of at least 20% of everything in store... So yesterday I bought everything needed, pillows, duvets, sheets, blankets... and carried home everything I could, and went back for the rest today, with Dragon in tow to carry it home for me.

And there was another Vancouver moment yesterday: I was walking down Robson with my huge Ed's Linens bag, when a lady stopped me and said "Ooh, you've been to Ed's Linens sale, I read about it on the paper today! Good for you!", to which I had to reply "Indeed! And I have to go back for more tomorrow, I couldn't even carry all that I bought!", to which the lady laughed.

Vancouver is like that, can't help but love it.

Leaving is like a little death

Outi's entry today hit home pretty hard for many resons.

First time when I was faced with that situation was when I moved to Nottingham in 1997, to be with Dragon. All I had with me was two suitcases full of belongings and a firm belief that I needed to be with the man I loved. I knew nothing about what I was going to do, and what was going to happen. I was small and young (23!) and scared out of my wits. When I was with Dragon I was deliriously happy, and when he was at work I was very alone, in a totally unknown place - and back then we didn't even have an internet connection at home. Calling Finland cost more than you want to know, and I didn't have Chu then so I didn't have anyone who would have been able to heal me let alone the words to describe my feelings.

But that's not the topmost thing that I remember from those days. I remember being happy, and I remember that I never doubted my choice. We didn't have any money and later when I went to University we had even less. It was difficult in many levels, but we managed, and I even graduated.

So when it became apparent that we had to move to Canada, it was pretty obvious to me that this time it would be so much easier - I was older and wiser and I had so much more support and skills. Still, I think this time it was much more difficult, I panicked even more, and I got depressed. Proves that things don't always go according to plan, and no matter how prepared you are there are some things you can't prepare for.

I've been on my medication for three months now, and today I went to see my doctor to figure out what to do next. I was afraid that she would say that since I'm ok I don't need it anymore, and would cut me off, and that I wouldn't be ok, that I wouldn't survive without help. But to my surprise she said that if it was working for me and I was feeling good, I should continue on it until I found a job and my life was properly settled in. She also said that I was doing all the right things, yoga, being active, and she even offered that if I needed therapy she could arrange something for me - however I don't really feel that I could justify spending money on that right now. So I got three more months on the drugs.

Because I'm ok now, I really am. I get wound up about little things, but that's me, that's what I've always done, medication or not. I get agitated and sad and lonely sometimes, but I feel that it's part of human life too and it's not controlling my life abnormally.

New things

I reserved a place in a yoga workshop held by yin yoga guru Paul Grilley. Although I've only been doing yin for couple of weeks now, it's something that sits very well with me and an opportunity to study with Paul is not an opportunity that comes by every day. The workshop is ten hours in three days and contains practice and lectures about anatomy, chi, chakras and meridians. Looking forward to it.

I also learned something new today: in Canada coriander is called cilantro. I have been wondering why I haven't come across coriander here - in England it's a very much used, even fashionable herb. So having discovered the secret, I bought a big bunch today and made some wild Coho salmon with cilantro in the oven, topped with chili, garlic and leek sauce.

In Southsea when we were both working so hard and spending little time at home we often shopped only once a week, bought lots of groceries and put some to the freezer to be taken out during the week. This however meant that I could use fresh stuff, herbs, vegetables, whatever, only in the start of the week, and by the end of the week it all came out of a can. Now, I'm a house wife - or unemployed (and I don't know which sounds worse) I have time to get fresh food every day if need be... I'm only limited by my imagination, and of course Dragon's taste buds (which can be quite a limitation in itself).

Day of the Dragon

Today in nutshell:

For the first time in two months, I didn’t have a single meeting during entire day. Consequently had a very productive day.

Got our entire team at work waving their hands in the air and singing the theme tune of Katamari Damchii “NA-NAAA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NAAA-NAAA-NA-NAAA-NAAA-NA-NA-NAAA!”

Saw a very old and a very young man kissing and then hugging gently on the way home from work. The young guy was straight out of Tom of Finland book with muscular body and handsome face. The old one was bald, had glasses and was slightly overweight. Nobody on the street stared or paid any attention.

Solved the mystery of the sinister Carrot Movie that appeared on my desk without any explanation.

Now I can look forward to a very exciting boss fight in Full Metal Alchemist, my latest game acquisition.

Non-judgement and honour

I had a really lazy day followed by an intense yoga evening. I had decided yesterday to try out doing two classes in a row, first flow and then yin.

Flow class was lead by Jason, and since it was the class starting at six the class was very full. There had been another flow class there just before us, so the room was very warm to begin with, and then the room full of people started doing ujjayi breath and sun salutations. Wow, steamy windows indeed. When we started the salutations, Jason started talking about how important the principle non-judgement was in yoga, and how we should concentrate in ourselves, not look at others, we shouldn't be harsh on ourselves in case we can't do what we wanted or thought we could. So I tried concentrating on that thought, and although at times I felt like I was about to pass out, sweat dripping from my forehead, I ended up having a really fantastic practice. Not so much physically, but mentally really focused.

Then in the yin class I was first disapointed to find out that Kelly wasn't doing the class - but then I found that Kristen, a new teacher for me, was absolutely fantastic. She had a very gentle style, and she talked a lot about yoga philosophy too - she's the kind of person who can say in the end of the class "honour yourselves for doing this class, and honour the people around you for sharing this time with you" and not sound stupid or superficial. Class ending at nine wouldn't be my favourite pick normally, but maybe I'll do it just for Kristen's sake.

So three hours of fantastic practice. Exhausting, but I'm very happy and content.

Useful day

Pretty productive day today, as they go nowadays. I got many slighly difficult things done: another job application, got an appointment with my doctor for Friday and got two pairs of Dragon's trousers to be mended (I don't have a sowing machine so I need to take even the most basic fixes to be done by someone else). I also went to Sears to complain about the futon mattress being basically crap, and after ten minutes wait (it's difficult to find a sales person on the 6th floor) I managed to get hold of Jim who sold me the futon in the first place. He promised he would get the customer service to call me, and get the mattress exchanged, only it needs to be ordered from a factory near Toronto, so it will take another two weeks. Better be good this time, because soon after that the first guest will be arriving. Otherwise I'm just going to tell them that I want the one on display and they can have ours.

After all that "exitement" I needed some comfort food and went for a chicken burrito with refried beans and hot sauce (and hot really meaning hot) - yummy, yummy, yummy. But after I had eaten all that I got really sleepy - but still I gathered myself, did the necessary grocery shopping and went to yin yoga. I think tomorrow I'd like to try doing flow first and then stay for yin, totalling three hours of yoga... sounds like fun.

And after Dragon bought me that bird book on Saturday I've been reading it and trying to identify the common birds around me. Yes, that's a seagull, but which of these ten or so pretty much identical gulls is it? I haven't been able to see one close enough that I could see what it has on it's beak, only yellow, bit of red, bit of black? Even identifying the black crows is difficult - other is supposed to say caw and the other one caw-caw, but today I heard both, and a caw-caw-caw. Who could imagine it could be this difficult? I was rewarded on Sunday though when I saw the bold eagle again - only trough my little theatre binoculars though, and followed by a flock of annoyed gulls. Amazing bird, still.

Mr. Green

Our newest family member, my Valentine's gift from Dragon - a piggy bank, or more precicely a dragon bank, Mr. Green.

Valentines

I've sent couple of job applications again today, instead going to yoga. It's not that I'm a glutton for punishment, it's more to do with the fact that I had to stay at home today waiting for the sofa to be delivered. First I kept just waiting for the doorbell to ring, but then when I got bored and made myself some lunch (lamb chops in chili and garlic sauce) and sat down to watch "Who mourns for Adonis?", sure enough the sofa was delivered.

I'm so impatient with these things - realistically I would get off so much easier if I just waiting until Dragon was home and let him tighten up the difficult nuts and bolts, but I just can't wait. When something arrives that needs assembly, I just need to do that straight away, I can't wait to see what it looks like finished. So I put together the metail futon frame and ta-daa, we have a sofa. Bad news is that the mattress is not as nearly as plump and comfy as the one in the shop, I'm still debating if I should go and complain. Otherwise it's fine, fits into the little bedroom better than I hoped it would.

And yes, it's Valentine's day here too. Not quite as hysterical, I think, as it is in UK - but then again Vancouverites don't seem to be hysterical about anything, not even Christmas. I've come to dislike the Finnish attempt to make Valentine's into a "friends' day" - I guess someone thought that it would be impossible to get the stiff Finns to declare their love so they decided that this was the day when people should send cards to their friends, not their sweethearts (and sure enough, it sells more cards). It's just that the concept elsewhere in the world is so different - I kind of like the romantic notion of the lovers' day.

Not that it really matters - with days like this, or any "special" days really, I can't expect too much or I'll get disapointed. Dragon explained earlier about his issues with memory, and Valentine's, birthdays, anniversaries - they all belong to the category that doesn't matter to him in the least and is next to impossible for him to remember. Personally I don't care about gifts enough so I would see the point of constantly reminding him - so I'll take what comes to me, that way it's always a surprise.

Korean food

Went to town today and while we were at it we wanted to try a restaurant for lunch that had been recommended to us. Unfortunately although the door was open the restaurant was not, and the faces of the chefs kind of told us that we were in the wrong place at the wrong time, so we had to choose something else. So we chose one of the numerous Korean restaurants on Robson, Ap Gu Jung that was open all day, from 11:30 to "lately".

We were the only western people there, which I consider to be a good sign - and this was the first time I've eaten in a Korean restaurant so we weren't quite sure what to expect. The decor of the place was weird mix of British pub and eastern European decor, and the menu was in Korean and bad English. I chose one of the easiest looking foods, skewered prawns and scallops - which they called "souvlaki" with "garlic and chill sauce", and Dragon went for some deep fried chicken (always a winner for him).

So what arrived for me was three skewers, yes, but also five little plates of other stuff that apparently was so obvious that it wasn't worth mentioning in the menu. So from the left upper corner, this is what I think it was: sauerkraut in chili sauce (weird but I think I could develop a taste for it), seaweed of some sort (not a big fan of this), cold sweetish mashed potatoes (very nice although it doesn't sound like it), iceberg lettuce with coleslaw on top (don't like coleslaw so this was a no-no) and in the second row beansprouts in a smoky sauce (very nice, would have been even better warm).

Dragon got his chicken which was apparently quite good but most of all aplenty - he couldn't even finish all of it which is fairly uncommon. Nice food, interesting experience. Need to try Korean again sometime.

Lily selection

I had to make the order for those lilies right away. After a lot of planning and consideration, I decided to have four pots in different colours, two on each balcony. So here's what I've chosen:

• Pink pot: Renoir and Royal River - mixed Asiatic and L.A. hybrid lilies, both blooming in July
• Red pot: Blackjack and Lollypop, both Asiatic lilies blooming in June and July
• Orange pot: La center and Cancun, both Asiatic lilies blooming in July
• White pot: Centerfold, Shirley and Snowstorm, all Asiatic lilies blooming from June to August

Ideally of course these lilies would be grown in a garden, but I've had lilies in a pot before so I know with proper maintainance they'll be fine. Now all I just need some patience until I can start pottering.

Lilies

Previous inhabitant of this flat got some mail yesterday. I was just going to mail it back to the sender, but decided to flip trough the catalog as it had pretty pictures on the front.

Turned out that it was a lily bulb catalogue, and I remembered how much I miss my garden from Bishops Stortford times (although it's been years since I had it). I'd love to grow some lilies again - on the right you can see my previous pride and joy, and since I have a big balcony it should be totally possible.

To be honest, the biggest problem is going to be picking out what lilies I want - I love those gorgeous pinks, but I adore deep reds and oranges, but I'm moved by the delicate whites, and multicoloured ones just take my breath away.

Choices, choices.

Loon and other stories

Today has pretty much been the first day of summer.

It's still very cold in the night, and while I was walking to yoga this morning the sun was shining brighly but the cars were still frosted, and cats returning from their night runs seemed very eager to get back in. By the time I was getting back home it was very warm.

I ate lunch - I'm trying different things in order to find what suits my stomach the best, and so far it had told me that it doesn't like steaks raw... Bummer, but I refuse to give up red meat, yet anyway. So today I tried tofu, nicely marinated in hot schezuan sauce, in a wok with vegetables and ginger... Unfortunately I don't really like tofu - I thought marinating it would have had some effect, but the taste is still the bland nothingness. Anyone who actually eats tofu has any tips for that? Or is it really just about getting used to the taste?

Then I just had to get out to the sunshine - I had decided to go to Granville Island market to get some delicacies that Dragon so much likes that are difficult to get from anywhere else. I put on my normal outdoor clothes, cardy, leather jacket, hat, gloves - and first person I see outside is a girl wearing only a little camisole. It's not that warm, I thought, but once I got to the beach turned out she was right. Everyone and their dog was on the beach, cyclists, rollerbladers, adults, animals, children... the good weather always drives Vancouverites out, I love it.

Granville Island market was as lovely as ever - I got some perfectly aged beef fillet steaks (need to try to make mine medium plus and see if that agrees with my stomach more), fresh tuna steaks, bread (from that same bakery that made the bread Dragon gave four and a half stars out of five last time), blueberries and rasberries, and yes, I succumbed to those wonderful fresh doghnuts too.

And I saw a loon (kuikka in Finnish) diving in the shallow water on the beach until playful dogs scared it further away. Lot of other birds around too that I don't recongnize - I need to get myself a pair of binoculars and a bird book, without turning into bird spotter.

Good and bad

Finally slept well last night, can't even remember my dreams.

It's been peaceful lazy day, talking with mothers on Skype, napping and going to the yoga in the evening. I don't know why, but my practice was especially weak today, like I had no strenght or ability to concentrate. Maybe the lack of strenght was because I had a very light lunch, afraid of repeating last time's catasrophy, need to still work on this. My chatarungas were pathetic, I tired up after only four sun salutations or so. I couldn't keep balance on either of the rotating standing asanas, and with prasarita padottanasanas which I normally love my feet just gave away and I could hardly do them at all. I won't even mention utthita hasta padangusthasanas, I was all over the place, and another favourite, ardha baddha padmottanasana I haven't been able to do in days.

But then it kind of changed, and from warriors onwards I was back on track. Kelly gave me some tips on improving on my marichyasana B, and my navasans were heavenly, for the first time ever. We even did my beloved finishing sequence this time, and my headstand is improving too (although I'm still using the wall).

I find it kind of liberating that we don't own a car. I know that if I had the use of a car, I would never walk to the yoga class - now the twenty minutes walk before and after the class have become like part of it. When going in it warms me up, when coming home it cools me down.

And we have hot water again. Yay!

Forgetful Dragon

My memory is a wierd collection of seemingly random data. Half the time I can barely remember my own name, but I can always remember the name of the Astronomer in the War of the Worlds, or the number of soldiers in a Roman Legion during first century BC. Basically, I can easily remember almost anything as long as I am at least slightly interested in the subject.

Unfortunately, some essential items are not included in this list of things my mind stores with such alarming clarity. For example, the highlight of this current trip to US was when I left my passport at the newsagent while strolling through Vancouver airport. Luckily for me the lady who runs the shop took my passport to the gate where my flight was leaving -I never even noticed that I lost the damn thing. I'd love to say good riddance to whole passport institution, only if I didn't need it for travel. That document has been a source of far too much stress in my life.

My brain simply refuses to acknowledge the fact that a piece of paper which confirms my identity is somehow important. On the other hand, the number of fingers the Thing of Fantastic Four posseses is always on my mind. Though in the grand scheme of things, I think that I am lucky with the kind of memory I've been given: one of the main reasons why I've been moderately successful in my chosen profession is the fact that I can probably remember every session of every game I've ever play to at least some extent.

The moral of the story is: Concentrate on what you are good at. I doubt I'd ever make a good PA or clerk, as impressed as I am with their ability to organise and remember practical things. Much better for all the concerned that I make games instead of timetables.

Not all bad

To top off the miserable day yesterday I had a bad night. I woke up at least three or four times in sweat and cold - I tried sleeping on my side, in the middle and sideways, only when I slept on Dragon's side did I manage to sleep until the morning. It's all probably just psychologial.

Then I had an unpleasant morning - you know the feeling when you've undressed and going to the shower, and then you find out that there's no hot water. You're cold and spray of cold water makes you even colder and you're trying to figure out what's wrong and you get more and more desperate and cold. I turned the shower as hot as the dial allowed me, and I got lukewarm water which was barely acceptable. So quick shower in coldish water didn't really make me feel an awful lot better... And this just happens to happen at the time when our building manager Gerry is on holiday... Coincidence? Somehow I don't think so. Morning was saved by a nice chat with Woja, about life, universe and children's books... I miss our lunch breaks. Apparently they have found a replacement for me at work, weird feeling that someone else is doing my work now.

Rest of the day was good though. Weather is once more sunny and beautiful, and I took my camera with me when I went to city centre thinking about taking some more photos. However it's no use, the whole beauty of this city can't be captured on film (or bits). I wish Chu or my parents would be here already, I want someone to see and understand why I keep ranting on about the beauty of this city.

No yoga today, although I could have probably made it to yin in the evening I have a feeling it's better if I give my body a day of rest today. Good day, feeling productive and got some things done that bothered me yesterday (though not all).

And had a nice chat with Dragon about possums.

...and bad days

Just when I bragged to my mom yesterday that things were easing up for Dragon at work, another crisis comes up and he's gone for the week again. I bloody hate this, but fortunately there are signs that things will be better in the near future.

But this is one of those not-so-good days where I seem to be doing "everything" wrong.

I managed totally to forget the golden rule of not eating at least two hours before any exercise - in fact for me that's preferably over three. Funny, I was fully aware of it just yesterday. So I ate lunch too late, and too much, and by the time I had to go for yoga I was still feeling nauseated (which, in case you didn't know, is perfectly normal for my anatomy). I felt stupid, and considered not going, but the thought made me feel even worse.

So I made my way to the class, and on my way there I considered each and every step and felt like turning back on each of them. First ten minutes of the class was hell too, I was feeling nauseated and just wanted to go to the bathroom cool off or to vomit. Then - like a magic switch - I suddenly felt better and got into the practice (yin yoga today - wouldn't have even dared to go for an ashtanga class). Good class, some really intense backbends that worked my lower back good. But the good feeling lasted about until I got home and I realised that I had several lonely evenings waiting for me.

So yes, I have days like this as well. I was going to reply to Julie's post yesterday, but it became so long I decided to post it up here instead. Life with a phobia is very hard at times and setbacks, when they come, can totally devastate you. Then recovering from the mental hangover you get from failing can take days, just to get back to your previous state, let alone the distant goal of getting better.

On these bad days I don't feel like practicing, or doing anything, but from experience I know that I'm going to feel a lot worse if I don't go. Chickening out was my approach when I was a child, and although it probably did work momentarily (or did it? maybe I just thought it did), dodging the difficult or unpleasant tasks always made things worse in the end.

So you would think then that actually conquering your fear and doing those tasks would make be victorious, would make you feel better, right? It's not true for me, it never has been. So ok, I made it this time - but there's always that fear in the back of your mind that maybe, just maybe, you just got lucky, no way of knowing if it will happen ever again.

And I don't even know why this surfaced right now.

Immigrating Dragon

Here I am, in the sunny California once again.

This morning as I made my way towards the US customs and Immigration, my passport was snatched by one of the over-zealous officials and I was directed towards the 'special lane'. Just like so many times before "I had been randomly selected for a search..." according to the customs troglodyte as she deftly pocketed my passport.

Just as randomly as the last four times I went to US, eh? Might this have anything to do with the fact that I hold a Finnish passport?

As far as I can see, all the people of colour and non-Americans have to take the special lane, where they get full body search, fingerprints and photos treatment, samples are taken from their belongings, and they get extra-nosy questions as a special bonus. Luckily once they learn that I make video games the tone tends to change, as the people start lobbying the ideas for their own games.

This time I'd anticipated the delay, and arrived really early, so there was no harm done unlike the last time when I almost missed my plane.

I have no beef with the grunts who do the actual searching -at the end of the day, they are just following orders. But I would respect the policy-makers a lot more if they owned up and admitted that it is just the black people and the foreigners that are subject to the humiliation of the search. I understand the need for security in the interest of building the confidence of the population, but this smacks as something else.

Yoga makes you feel better

I've been feeling weirdly detached all day long. In the morning I thought it was because I had a long break between breakfast and lunch, talking to Chu and my mom, but I was still feeling fainty after that. Like micro-seconds of out of body experiences, feeling like losing balance although nothing like that happened.

I decided to go to yoga dispite this, and although I was hesitant at the door I forced myself out. It worked out really well - the walk to the studio was great, the weather was absolutely beautiful, a bit nippy but walking fast you don't get cold at all. The beauty of Vancouver still takes my breath away.

This time it was flow yoga, lead by Jason. This was the first time I've had a class lead by him - he's often there practicing on Kelly's classes, but doesn't participate with teaching. Jason is a great teacher, I seem to sync with him really well. He corrected me in couple of asanas - making those tiny but oh so important adjustments so I get the feeling of the asana, helps when I try to do it without his help. He also adjusted me with revolved standing postures - I haven't done those much and I find finding balance often difficult.

I had forgotten my wrist brace, but turned out it wasn't a problem - the way Kelly showed me to do chatarungas last time has really helped me take the weight off my wrist in sun salutations. In many ways, this was the best practice I've had in ages, feeling warm, limber and happy.

And the weird fainting experience disappeared after the practice too. Good one.

Photo of the day

I'll admit that photos don't grab me that often. Thus it was a great pleasure to discover this photo of a woman with a sword that I felt was very profound. It has a rare combination of action, calmness, beauty and poise. Some might call it cliched but as I've said before, I'm an old-fashioned guy. I know what I like, and this photo is one of those things.

Rest of the galleries of the photegrapher Bill Dobbins are worth checking out too.

Harjunpää ja pahan pappi by Matti Yrjänä Joensuu

I actually bought this book last summer, only it was left on the self with all the comotion that happened soon after. I picked the book up first about two weeks ago and read couple of the first chapters, until I couldn't stomach it anymore - Matti Yrjänä Joensuu could probably depress anyone and if you're in a delicate mood it he can distroy you.

Harjunpää ja pahan pappi (Harjunpää and the priest of evil) starts out with a haunting scene of domestic violence, then moves on to a serial killer priest who worships an ancient goddess, and then moves on to Harjunpää checking out a would-be crime scene where a mentally disturbed young man's dominating mother is found dead in her bedroom decomposing. Charming as ever - it's all coming back to me why I found these books so depressing.

But when I picked the book up again yesterday I really got into it. For a change things were not going entirely wrong for Harjunpää, and the criminal wasn't the sad figure with a difficult childhood. As always with Joensuu's books, it's not really as much about solving a crime or the plot as much as it is about (unhappy) characters and their emotions. Bullied boy, struggling writer (who constantly reminded me of Isä) and of course the deranged priest.

In a way Joensuu is abandoning the realism in this book - the priest seems to indeed posses supernatural powers that he uses to lure and command people. The boy, Matti, lives in his imaginary world when the real world is too terrible to face. The father - the writer - isn't too far behind in the hell of his own creation. The border between reality and imaginary isn't as strict - whereas border between good and evil is very explicit. The priest is indeed pure evil without any redeeming qualities, and he is contrasted by Matti - a child who is pure and innocent, but at the same time like a canvas where the one who yelds the brush can paint whatever they want.

Very good book, but not for the weak at heart.

And then I threw a three and a six

Life imitates games.

Sweet dreams

I've been having most vivid dreams lately, dreams that I can actually remember. I don't believe that dreams mean anything as such, I don't even think they might necessarily say something about your thoughts. Still, I find them interesting.

I'm so sore all over. My newfound yoga enthusiasm and four full practices this week have crippled me - my shoulders, biceps, chest, thighs, calves... Everything hurts. Good pain, although it makes me impatient. I want to get back to practicing but my body tells me to rest, how frustrating.

Today has been very peaceful - I've been tinkering on the computer, drinking tea and watching the mountains. It has been snowing up there, and forests have turned to silver. When the sun sets, those silver tips turn to pink - nature has the most amazing colours here.

Enterprise cancelled

Most geeks have probably by now heard that Star Trek: Enterprise's current season will be it's last. I have mixed feelings about this - while I freely admit it wasn't all it could have been, I still enjoyed Enterprise most of the time. Third season was pretty good, and this fourth season has been interesting too. Granted, nothing that moves the earth under my feet, but pleasent enough. My biggest problem with the series was the total lack of originality - let me quote Startrek.com:

Fans of Star Trek: Enterprise know that the fourth season has been a milestone in connecting the history of the prequel series with the rest of the Star Trek universe. We've seen great story arcs including one dealing with Vulcan socio-history, set on their rather inhospitable homeworld, and one centered on Dr. Arik Soong, an ancestor of Data's creator, Noonien Soong. Other episodes include "Daedalus" about the "father" of the Transporter, Emory Erickson, and an upcoming storyline addressing the Klingon forehead mystery. Those, along with a trilogy starting tomorrow night fleshing out Original Series-era aliens — Andorians, Orions, and Tellarites — and presaging the Romulan Wars, give us a mix of stories that demand attention by the long-time fan. And if these stories aren't enticing enough, perhaps the coup de grâce of Season 4 will be the two-part story "In a Mirror, Darkly," a script that revisits the mirror universe but focuses on the power struggles of Captain Forrest and Commander Archer and the discovery of a rather special starship.

Instead of concentrating on doing something spectacular and refreshing and new, they've concentrated in ripping of old concepts and storylines from previous series in the hopes that they would "demand attention of the long-time fan". Well, most long term fans are pretty pissed off with this treatment - instead of bridging the history between TOS and rest of the new series, Berman & Braga have made it their speciality to contradict many facts that have been take for granted. They may think that it's funny and clever but frankly, it bores me.

Yes, I'm a bit sad it's over as I kept hoping something exiting would come out of it... And I greatly enjoyed most of the acting, espcially by Scott Bakula, and there were some good characters and interesting relationships going on. I would imagine this won't be the last Star Trek series ever produced, but I assume it will be quiet for a while. If only I had hope that the next one would be better than this.

Meanwhile, we'll be looking forward to some good sci-fi in the future. Stargate SG-1 is continuing with season nine - while this wouldn't normally be enough to get me too exited, only they've hired Farscape's own Ben Browder as a regular cast member and Cladia Black as a recurring character, my expectations are quite a bit higher this time. And of course, it's looking like Galactica is getting a second season so that will be high on our list. Here's hoping more good sci-fi...

And so say we all.

Regretful Dragon

Regret is a weird thing.

Years ago I was signing autographs in a games convention when a really pretty child strolled to my table asking for an autograph and started chatting me about the games in an excited, high-pitched voice.

“It is great that girls like my games as well“ I said, and then suddenly realised that “she” was actually he. This little boy was just simply androgynous-looking kid with longish hair and voice that either boy or a girl could have. I felt truly awful about it, apologised several times, and gave the kid a ton of free stuff as a way of compensation. The kid was cool about it, and laughed it off, and was really pleased with all the merchandise I gave him. But I felt bad for hours afterwards.

And even now, over four years later, I get pangs of guilt and feeling of remorse like flashes as physical pain as I remember the expression on the child’s face when I revealed I’ve mistook him for a girl. There are times when I would give almost anything to go back to that moment of time and correct myself.

It puzzles me why this is so: I’ve done much worse things in my life that never bother me in slightest, and generally I am a “what is done is done” kind-of-guy. But this experience, and couple of others seem to cling onto me from one year to the next. No matter what I do, I cannot shake them off me. Bar one, none of these sources of guilt are serious matters. Human emotions simply defy my logic.

Ah, I feel better now that I’ve written this down. Perhaps this ghost from my past will not come to haunt me anymore.

Healthy life

I'm continuing the dialog with my body. Today it told me that it wanted something light for lunch, in preparation for the ashtanga class later in the evening. I suggested some seafood, which the stomach then approved. On my way back from the shopping trip it wanted a grande chai latte (apparently tall wasn't enough) - although near the end of the latte it changed it's mind back to tall. Oh well, at least I'm listening. For lunch I had some red snapper lighly seasoned with herbs, cracked peppercorns and sea salt - and prawns, you gotta make them with a sweet chili sauce. Seafood is so ridiculously cheap here it would be a sin not to eat it.

Ashtanga practice was good - we have an hour an a half slot for primary series, which is not quite enough, so we ended up skipping most of the finishing sequence. A real shame, the shoulder stances are my personal favourites - but Kelly and Jason said that they'd be looking into changing what goes into each lesson so I should get my finishing sequence soon enough.

I was also delighted to learn something new - Kelly showed me how I should be doing the jump-back and lowering down in surya namaskaras, and how to go to cobra from there (can't do up-dog due to my wrist). This has always been a bit of a mystery and because of my disability I do this differently to other students - for some reason Karen never corrected me so I assumed I was doing it right. How Kelly showed me to do it makes so much more sense though and feels much better, so I'm really glad she did it.

So healthy day today. Since I started yoga again and started paying more attention to my diet I've been feeling a lot better.

Fast, afterthoughts

I've noticed couple of things about my eating habits since the fast last week. Now, I' much more cautious and aware of what I put in my mouth, and secondly, I listen to what my body says after each meal. (And a third thing - I try to chew more before swallowing, but I'm not doing so hot there, yet.) I'm a firm believer that your diet affects your moods and your physical wellbeing probably a lot more than people are generally aware. Because food of all kinds is available all the time, we've lost the whole purpose of eating and made it entertainment, without understanding what that does to our bodies.

So I'm also noticing a change my attitude towards food - thinking more about the nutritional aspects of food and realising how much I've used food "for fun". "I'm bored, how about eating something", eating while not hungry, or eating while watching tv, without tasting anything or noticing how much I was eating. All just stupid, mindless eating, usually unhealthy snacks or empty carbohydrates. And all that crap was making me feel really unwell - but before the fast I wasn't listening to what my body was telling me.

I'm still not quite sure what it's saying, but at least we've eshtablished a dialog. Work in process.

Yin and yang

Despite feeling sore today, I couldn't resist going to yoga again today. Starting yoga proper literally feels like opening a door to a stuffy room or sun coming out after weeks of rain, I just can't get enough of it. But I didn't want to exert myself too much, so I chose Yin Yoga, something I hadn't tried before.

Despite sounding like yet another yoga fad, apparently this one (too) has been around for a long time. The name comes from Taoist aspect of yin and yang, and applied to the body Taoism defines that muscles and blood are yang, and connective tissues and joints are yin. Most of the styles of yoga practiced today are yang yoga, and emphasise use of muscles - postures are not typically held long so joints are not worked. In ashtanga or other types of yoga I've done postures would be held at most five in and out breaths, yin postures are held three or five or even ten minutes at a time. Asanas are the same familiar ones that I've used to, they're just emphasised differently.

Tonight's practice was held by both Kelly and Jason - who already greet me by my name! - and to help us to keep asanas for such long periods of time we had lot of pillows and blankets and other accessories to make the practice as enjoyable and comfortable as possible. Jason later told me that after doing yin for a year or so has changed his yoga practice completely - as yin complements the more muscular styles of yoga, it's just another side of the coin.

Well, it was painful, streching and keeping the postures that long, but in a good very way. Perfect for my sore muscles today, "just" laying there, concentrating on breathing and listening to the soft music. This is something I'd love to get used to.