Older and wiser

So, back at work today.

It feels a bit unreal like it often does after the holidays - but especially so after a trip like this. It's been ages since I've been someplace where I haven't been before: we're so used to taking our holidays in Finland that I hadn't even realised it. It was almost like going to some fantasy world - everything was different and I got to do and see things I've never done and seen before. I was trying to explain myself to Chu before she went home: normally I like things best when they're over - it's difficult to explain but I often enjoy memories more than actually doing the thing. But this trip - and I didn't even notice it before she pointed it out to me - it was opposite: I enjoyed everything so much I was actually sad when it was over. It was also not just a trip, but a full 12 month project since the decision to go, to the planning and arranging everything and then actually going - and projects need closure too.

I think as a teen I would have probably had a huge hangover for days about it, now it's just a shrug and move on. Teenage feelings were another thing we had long discussions about - I can vividly remember how all the emotions were constantly on overload and how everything was done with the heart. To be honest, I don't miss any of it. I'm still perfectly capable of feeling grand emotions, it's just that I'm able to control them somewhat now. Good emotions like deep love for my people age well - and they don't need to be controlled. But bad feelings like sadness or even anxiety I can now control - feel them, yes, but also get over them.

It may sound trivial, but for me it's been far from it. When I was younger I really had my heart on a sleeve and I'm not certain I had brains at all. I did some stupid things and hurt people with my actions - some of them I've been able to repair, some of them not. Bit in the end of the day I'm here now as the person I am because of those actions, and I'd like to think I've learned from them and wouldn't do them again. I think somehow as a kid I thought I would grow up or be an adult a lot sooner, in fact I probably thought couple of years ago that I was grown up.

Isn't it ironic that a month ago I was complaining about getting old, and now I'm relishing the fact. Maybe that's a sign of getting old too.

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