Thursday 29 July, 2004
Failures and successes
Yesterday I went to my first ashtanga class after my holiday, and I have to say it wasn't a raging success. First of all Karen had managed to convince the club to let her teach some techinque classes before the actual class - this in itself is very good, but since I was on holiday I didn't know it was on and I only managed to catch last ten minutes. She was taking an asana at a time and choosing someone from the class to show how it was done, made corrections and suggestions - and she chose me for Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana A because this is one of the asanas I've improved a lot on. This is quite a difficult standing asana where you take hold of your big toe, and it has literally taken me about a year and a half to learn to do this - but I'm quite proud of this so I didn't mind showing it. Except with balance it's really all about your head and balance of the mind more than actual physical balance... and since I was so eager to show off my technique I had no mental balance at all and I was all over the place. Karen gave me enough support that I didn't fall over but it really depressed me as I know I can do better.
And of course in the actual class my "failure" was the only thing I could think of and therefore couldn't concentrate on anything else. My breathing was bad, my balance was bad and I was feeling quite awful until it came to the shoulder stances - and suddenly, without any effort I was able to do Urdhva Padmasana with full lotus for the first time in my life. Followed by Pindasana and even Matsyasana, all without breaking the lotus. Shame that was in the finishing sequence as the "success" really calmed my mind and helped me to concentrate for the rest of the class.
Now all this got me thinking. It feels that I'm concentrating far too much on the physical success and performing the asanas and not enough on the mental side of it. I feel I need to succeed, and I'm afraid I'm still comparing myself to other people in the class even though this is completely stupid and futile. This requires some thought and I believe it's something I need to solve soon to prevent something similar happening again. I think I would like to start learning meditation next, but since we might be moving in a very near future it doesn't seem practical to try to find a teacher here.
Posted by kolibri at 29 July 08:50, 2004How funny - as I was reading your description of your yoga class, I couldn't help thinking the same thing you wrote in your last paragraph; simply worry less about the physical successes and allow yourself to develop the mental part of yoga. Yeah, it is very cool to be able to do everything perfectly, but who are you ultimately doing it for? To please the teacher? You seem to be doing an awesome job with the physical part as it is - and you're noticing you feel the need of something "more" in yoga, so go for it! :)
Yoga classes in Santa Monica sometimes remind me of acrobatics show offs, and many love to show their sculpted and well dressed (or not so dressed) bodies -- but as I mentioned before, I managed to find a teacher (Bryan Kest) who did combine both the physical (but in a humorous and "non-threatning" way) and mental sides (he was able to shut off my mind from wandering even though I was doing yoga less than two mats away from David Duchovny, if that tells you something!! ;) I am not that good physically and it does annoy me endlessly when I cannot do more complicated poses, but for some reason the instructor can lead the class in such a way that you accept it, and do as much as you can. Because the breathing is the most important part.
All the best to you and yours!
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